Arepas! And Other Joyful Distractions

Looking back over the last few months I see that it was not all dinner parties and laughter, I got a bit down from time to time, there was just no one there to mirror it. (I think the tree falling in the woods fable applies to bad moods as well!) I suppose the only thing to do is talk something happy.

My recipe inspiration this week is the sweet corn arepa. You can't even say arepa without rolling your tongue and shaking your shoulders! ARRRREPA! Now that is a happy dish. The recipes are as easy as they are foreign, using methods I am not familiar with. I am eager to try this happy meal from South America and pair it with one of my best ever fusion dishes, the Thai chili green pea soup. Talk about an upgrade of the grilled cheese and tomato broth!

The sweet corn cakes with melted mozzarella playing of the delicate spiciness of the chili infused soup should be a symphony! Hopefully my nausea will not detract from the experience too much. Stress plays some evil games with me.

Masarepa or cooked corn flour is not as easy to come by as you might think. Even in New York it takes some investigation. I scanned the blogs and found out that a Gristedes in Chelsea sells the masarepa, so that is where I am headed after work. I think I will go from there down to Trader Joe's, finally looping back up to my little home in Murray Hill. A good walk through my city usually does wonders for my state of mind.

So tonight I will cook with global inspiration and then study global information. I need to get on my FSO preparation, the test is Thursday! Attitude is everything, and maybe half of attitude is happy distractions. Fuck it! What ever works right? My drill sergeants always said that if you fake a good attitude long enough it actually might start to stick. Maybe with the helpful distractions of ArrrepA!, and Thai chili and bun and perhaps one too many vino's, it will.

Help! I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

I am sitting at the bottom of the proverbial well. Tired, bored, dejected, gazing up at the spot of light that I remember as my happy life. The one thought booming in my mind is "Why?"

I have been getting lower and lower the last couple days and now I am decidedly down. I pray I can just blame this on PMS, but that begs the question- why haven't I felt this way the last few periods? The worst part may be the not knowing or understanding. As I have gotten older, have I also crawled onto the denial train? Am I too afraid to see what's the matter?

I missed my workouts yesterday and today, I feel 500 pounds, but more troubling still is the sense of apathy and bleak tomorrows. I hate it when I feel this way. It came so quickly. I was feeling on top of the world, excited about tomorrow and today, happy with my daily debacles. From my dark hole I wonder how anything seemed interesting or exciting before. I just want to cry. I want to cry because I can't find any good broker's to make my apartment hunt easier. I want to cry because my boss is being a bitch and I can't just walk out. I want to cry because my tummy is puffy. I want to cry and run away because my Aunt is coming in two days and my 3 year anniversary is in three days. I want to cry and cry and cry and then kick something.

Oddly, my tirade here reminds me of a tirade I may have had last month... hmm.. I will have to go back and see. I hope it is just PMS. I am just so tired and I have so many things on my mind. I am worried about me and D. I think that is what I don't want to look at, don't even want to speak. I hope it is just PMS. I just don't want to think anymore, but I do want to know what changed. What made me so happy and alive before and what is missing that I feel so dead inside now?

Help Me! Help Me! I have fallen into an ugly pit of anger and sorrow and BITCHINESS! And I really don't know if I can get up.

If at First You Don't Succeed; Try, Try Again

This week has not been my most successful. DeShon and I had a nice dinner last Monday with the EWI group at Yerba Buena. I met a strange and amusing man who owns and operates a ceviche bar and DeShon seemed to enjoy himself. After that things flat-lined a bit.

Our Sunday cooking event was cancelled, I tried to organize a wine tasting but no one, that's right, no one rsvp'd. I did not go to NJ with DeShon, I did not have drinks with any of my friends from work, I ate like crap and didn't even make a new recipe. Oh, and the apartment hunting was cut short by a bitchy broker who told us that there was nothing out there in our price range, despite their ads to the contrary.

But all was not lost. I discovered a new food at the Brooklyn Atlantic Ave street festival (a boring mess fyi) Arepas! I bought a hat at the vintage flea market, learned how to style my hair 40's style and I finished my law and food applications.

Still, it was not a great week. By Sunday I was feeling a bit depressed and psycho. Unfortunately, I took it out on D because he was there, poor bastard. What can I say? If I am unhappy it is much better for me to be alone. It feels odd being unhappy though, I had gotten to such a bright, positive place and the darkness doesn't suit me. It is hard having him home because it reminds me of the dark place I was in before and I am so afraid of going back.

Shine it on! Resilience is my longest running asset, so I best make use of it now. This week I am going to start it off with a bang! I am going to make Arepas and Spicy Green Pea Soup tonight! I am going to try to have drinks with Gus or MB, I need to study for FSO on Thursday, The Aunt is coming on Friday evening for dinner, the big 3 year anniversary is Saturday so we will be having a New York experience with either a Broadway or Burlesque Show, and there is an EWI cooking event on Sunday night.

Soooo, If all goes well, I will be cooking anew tonight, going for drinks on Tues or Wednes and studying, Going to dinner with Aunt on Friday, hitting the town with D. on Saturday and meeting up with my Foodie Friends on Sunday. Only 2-3 days out of 7 in the house. Not bad. Let's hope it goes well, because I don't think I can handle another bout of cabin fever!

This week I also need to really examine what makes me happy or at least content. I don't want to run from sadness, I want to avoid it all together. Just when you think you have it all figured out... Oh well, It is only week one of the new duo experiment, this is going to be a great week.

It's Not Over Yet!

Well, DeShon returned last week and my life has continued in a somewhat similar way. I tried to start another blog about foods of the world, but something was missing. You see, I don't feel like it's over. He may be back, but the story of my life has not stopped and the experiment feels far from over. These chronicles are about more than my 8 week period of Independence, they are about the evolution of my life.

Really, I feel like my life has been on hold for years. Perhaps this is why the past has had such a stranglehold on my heart. I felt that the greatest adventure of my life was over. The military was where I grew-up and found myself. That was not the end. The experiment has awoken me from my 4 year slumber. I see excitement and adventure on the horizon and all around me, I cherish the past but no longer yearn for it. Let it rest in peace, I have enough life at this moment, I don't need my ghosts. So let the experiment continue! Who knows who I will become!

Week 8: The Last Day

I decided to re-read my first post today. I wanted to see how far I have come in 8 weeks, every good experiment must be evaluated after all! I barely recognize the lonely, dejected woman who set out to craft a new life for herself. The tortuous minutia of struggling through the workday and coming home to watch my shows with no real future in sight was robbing me of myself, turning me into someone else. I feel at peace now, excited about the future, but also happy in the moment. I think it's worth mentioning another beautiful phenomenon, as I have added to my life money has decreased it's staring role in it. Yes I still budget and manage it, but I no long feel the need to talk about it much or even to think about it often. God provides everything I need, and as I have said before; money in and of itself is dreadfully boring! I wrote that I wanted to craft a life of friendship, adventure and passion, and to figure out what direction to steer my future. I set six weekly goals for myself to this end: One new recipe, daily workouts, one dinner party or social outing, one piece of writing, one new New York experience and one new friendship.

Recipes: Fat Free Canoli's, Chinese Broccoli, Home-made Pasta, Grilled Cheese and Pear, Pulled-Pork, Bun Bowl, Quiche, Risotto

These may not seem very impressive, most of them were fairly simple to make, but they all were an adventure. Challenging myself to create something new, not for someone else, but for the sheer pleasure of it added adventure to my life. Searching the neighborhoods of Manhattan for just the right ingredients, looking for inspiration at every turn, enjoying the successes and the unbelievable disasters, this is a simple excitement born out of my passion added color to my weeks.

Workouts: Spinning 2x per week, Pilates 1x per week, Hiking weekends, various 2x per week

It seems so vain and trivial, but pushing myself to try spinning has made me feel so strong and beautiful! Those pesky pounds have melted away, and I still eat without guilt but with balance. I feel amazing.

Dinner Parties/ Social: Drinks with Kaitlin and Gussie, 3 EWI cooking events, 1 EWI restaurant event, Visiting Jo and meeting her girlfriends, Marisa's wedding and party, dinner with Jill

I have been out with friends at least once a week, the best part being that each was fun, exactly what I wanted. I did not go out clubbing or partying, but sharing laughter and food and conversation. It has become a natural part of my life. I make an effort to see people and clearly that was all I needed to do. Learning to stop waiting for things to happen and making them happen has transformed my life. I am not lonely. I have friends all over the country and that's ok! I can find ways to see them and stay connected, and though not as close, my friends in New York add comfort and richness to my everyday life. Starting Eating with Impunity has empowered me to bring people together in an entirely different way. To introduce a group of 20 strangers and have them become friends is something I never thought I was capable of.

Writing: The Blog

Twenty-some odd posts later and the inane details of my life have become a story. Some funny, some profound, some simple. I am becoming a true writer and the author of my own life.

New York: Hell's Kitchen Flea Market, Chinatown, West Village specialty markets, Rowing on the Hudson, Brooklyn Book Festival, Brooklyn Tabernacle Baptist, Murray Hill Specialty Market, Dinner in Queens

Exploring my city has made it all the more enchanting. I don't need to be rich to experience the unique flavors of the many neighborhoods, and I don't have to be at the hottest clubs or newest plays for it to be totally New York! This city is different for everyone and I have found My New York. The New York of vintage hunting, unique cuisines and disastrous outdoor sports! I don't have to be anyone but myself and I don't have to force myself to try.

Social Connections: EWI group, new NYU members, Jo's girls, M.'s girls, re-connection with old friends

I have not made any new best friends, but I have met some amazing people. I am connecting with fellow foodies, reconnecting with old friends and seeing how rich life can be when you accept people for who they are. I enjoyed the crazy night with the suburban housewives in Denver, I loved the Army wives of Tennessee, I feel an instant connection to the girls I met at NYU and my EWI group is becoming like a little family. Each person in my life is different, but they are all characters, some funny, some sad all part of a great story.

What to do with myself: ??? : )

I am starting a new job, not career, job. The VA is going to allow me the opportunity to help people and the time to help myself! My applications have been sent to NYU's Food Studies and to half of the law schools. I am thinking that I will start at NYU in the spring (if I get in!) and when I hear back from the law schools, decide whether to continue with food studies or go for a law degree. For a short time I will be able to have it all! I am taking my FSO exam next week as well. I have so many choices ahead of me and I don't think a single one is wrong. I am going to follow my heart in making my decisions and continue to construct the elements I need in my life. I don't need a career to give me everything, it is only one piece of the grand life I am creating.

For the first time I feel peaceful, happy and at home. I thought at first that it was New York, a place to call home. As I sent my applications off to UCLA and USC and heard D.'s mother talk about production opportunities out west, I felt nothing but a quiet excitement. No panic, no regret. I love New York and I always will, but the home I have found is not geographical, it is something inside of me. I feel for the first time in my life that no matter where my adventures take me, the friendship and excitement and comfort of home will follow, everything will be ok. Perhaps I have been home all along, needing only to find myself to realize it.

D.'s plane is landing at JFK any minute now, what will happen now? My prayer is that even together I can stay close to home, not get lost in his dreams. My prayer is that our dreams will compliment each others, simply adding flavor. My prayer is that my adventure can be our adventure, that our friendship and love is big enough for the big ideas we both have. What will it look like though? I suppose that will be the next great experiment of my life. I have taken hold of my own life and created something beautiful, now it is time to try and double it. The adventures of D and Fi...hmm, has a nice ring to it.....

God's Sous Chef

I traveled to Brooklyn this morning to check-out the Brooklyn Tabernacle. I have been craving the soulful gospel music and passion I found in the Southern Baptist churches of the south, and the closest I could come-up with here were in Harlem and Brooklyn. Brooklyn is actually closer. As I entered the mega-theatre of the sanctuary I knew that this was not the small, soulful parish I remembered, but the electricity was there.

It was different, not the warm embrace of culture I had become accustom to, but this is not the south, this is New York. I was inspired by the message and I realized one benefit of the mega-church was their ability to have a far-reaching impact, funded by the several thousand members. As the minister spoke about his experiences feeding the children in Haiti and Guam , I had an idea. Perhaps the meaningful aspect of my life can come through an extracurricular spice. I don't have to join the peace corps to touch people's lives. If I want to go and meet and help people, perhaps this megalith of a church would be my way.

The reverend also spoke about Jesus's disciple Peter. Peter was passionate and brash and a hot mess much of the time, but he was also a great leader. I don't have to be perfect to be great. It seems that my passion may be enough. Just being who I am may be enough.

I also had a revelation: It does not matter what I do, I am still going to be me. Everything changes, everything can be taken away, but I am still going to be me. The job I choose has no bearing on who I am going to be in my life, there is no right or wrong choice. I heard Him whisper in my ear: pick whatever you like, your life will be beautiful no matter what.

My choices and experiences lie before me, like the beautiful fish at Lobster Place and the shining produce at Gourmet Garage and the fresh baguettes at the bakery. As I pick-out my groceries I am beginning to see a recipe come together.

I feel God walking with his arm around me, picking-up things to show me like we are old lovers or friends. I tried to ask him for a list, but he seems to be shaking his head and laughing. It is for me to choose. He runs the kitchen and can make something amazing with anything I bring home, but He did not make me line cook, merely taking orders, I am his Sous Chef. I am the artist of my own life and He refuses to take that away.

Do what you like. I am still not clear as to what that is exactly, but I am beginning to see that a life as full as the one I dream of does not have a simple formula. I simply need to continue adding elements, directed by my passion and my heart, and when the right combination comes together I will have a life that I can savor, a life that will leave me full and satisfied.

Savor

Tonight I decided make green pea soup with baguette for dinner. I had been housebound all day, tired and studying for the Foreign Service Officer's exam (yes, yet another scheme for the future).

I set-out to the store, knowing the bodega down stairs would not have leeks, I started walking toward the supermarket. On my way I remembered a little gourmet shop with a beautiful produce display out front. Surprisingly, I had never taken the time to go in. I approached the shop and found the leeks right away, the green peas were no where to be found. I sighed and thought about going to the supermarket. "Forget that, stop being so American!" I thought. It is not all about the one-stop shopping.

I found all the lovely produce I needed for my soup, some tomatoes for tomorrow's bruchetta and the most sweetly scented basil I have ever inhaled. The bread was unimpressive, so I decided to stop at the bakery on the way home, perhaps the bodega would have my peas. I found everything I needed and it was such a pleasure buying the best from each who specialized in it. Produce from the gourmand, bread from the baker and soda from the corner store!

I returned home and began preparing my soup. I recalled the one weak point in the dish being the difficulty in adding enough spice to it. I always feel as though I am adding an inordinate amount of salt and pepper. I decided to step it up. I added black sea salt with herbs de Provence, then I seeded a Thai pepper to slip in toward the end of cooking. I also decided that rather than baguette, I would make my Parmesan garlic toast for tomorrow and use them as croutons for the soup. The result was a symphony of flavors. They were simple and harmonious and bold. Perhaps that is what my life is shaping up to be.

Perhaps I am not going to find a "one-stop shop" life, a career that fulfills all my passions in one shot. Perhaps I am silly for thinking all the life inside of me can be taken care of with a job. I am not saying that I am going to keep working as an office assistant, no, but I should realize that the answer to crafting the perfect life does not lie in a career alone. When looking at my potential paths I suppose I must ask myself if they are to be foundations, like the potatoes, merely facilitating my life (lawyering), like the Thai chili- adding the intensity of flavor, but not the substance (Food Studies), the peas-steering the dish (Foreign Service Officer) or some combination of the three- coming together with all the other pleasures of friends and adventures to create something amazing.

I don't know what tomorrow brings anymore than I knew I was going to have a craving for green pea soup, but I do think that the clarity and inspiration that will guide my future will be as easy as adding flavor to a dish I know so well. I just need to stop trying to rush back to my empty apartment and savor the adventure of choosing my ingredients. That is what the experiment is about, forcing myself to build the life I want and stop living the bland life I kept microwaving for myself.

The end of week 7 is approaching, and my final week of solitary self exploration is here. D comes home one week from today. I am excited to see him and anxious to see how the experiment of my life is affected by his presence. I don't think I will slip back into my hermit ways when I am again coming home to him. I was less social this week than in weeks past, but I have still come along way compared to seven weeks ago. I think it is time to reevaluate anyways, time to step it up. Perhaps his return will not be the end of the experiment, but the beginning of a new one.

Holy Shit It's Humpday of Week 7

Wow, time does fly! Every year it seems to go faster and faster. It scares me. I have always been so fearless and I think that came from the beautiful youthful freedom of believing in your own immortality. I'm not so sure about that anymore! Anyways, it's humpday and I am trying to get caught-up, trying to get the birds-eye view of my week. It helps my concentration having my boss on a cross-country flight to Alaska!

Well, I have done nothing but go home and sit on my ass so far this week. Hey, thank goodness it's only Wednesday! I have been working-out religiously, I have an EWI event planned for Sunday, I am writing right now, I need to work on my food studies personal statement. I need to figure out my recipe of the week, NYC experience and try to do something social. Looking at my calendar I have quite a bit of sitting-on-my-ass time scheduled. I guess that is good for working on my projects, but I am afraid of falling into old habits.

Hopefully, this week I will find out what the next step is for the VA job. I am not totally sold on it. It is better hours, a bit better pay, and a better title. What's not to like, right? I suppose I have gotten comfortable here. My job is silly and frustrating, but I have a few friends and some days are good. I guess I also don't want to feel bad when I quit to go to school. I would feel like a jerk if I took the job and then quit a few months later to go to NYU. What am I saying though, I did take the job. They offered, I tentatively accepted, now I need to start the pre-employment process. Nothing is easy or fast with the government! I am going to do what I always do, flog my fear by diving in headfirst. It is much easier for me than indulging the whiner within, the one clinging to the familiar. I do hope I can allow myself to cling to the familiar someday. To have a place to call home, a place where people know me and love me and are not going to be deployed or moved away from me on a two year rotation. Until then, I am going to cling to my other nature: brazen adventure and change.

Well, the day is young, we'll see what I can come-up with for the rest of the week.

Catching-up part 2: Pulled Pork and Purpose

After the Wedding I was able to relax and I turned my attention to a passion of mine: Pulled-Pork. I am not a big meat-eater, but my life was changed when I first tasted real pit BBQ. Armed with my mother's smoker and instructions from Alton Brown, I embarked on the ultimate challenge: recreating that amazing flavor and texture. The details of this adventure will be chronicled in The Pork Saga.

I flew home utterly exhausted from the back-to-back trips to TN and CO, unready for the demands I knew waited for me at home. When I stepped off the subway, into my city, onto my block, all the anxiety melted away. I was home and it felt so good! This city is overwhelming in theory, in thought, in idea. But face to face, it is the most peaceful place I have ever been, the safest I have ever felt, the least lonely.

The four day week I came into was brutal! There was a huge proposal to go out, the girl whose job it is to deal with marketing called out sick the entire week prior, it was long hours and thankless work. As far as my goals of the week: I was too exhausted and behind to write, I did work-out like a mad-woman, I had drinks with G., went to Chinatown again and to Brooklyn, made Vietnamese Bun Bowl, created a googlegroup page for the food club, finished my law school applications and began my NYU food studies application. Oh, and the VA offered me a job.

It may sound like a wild week, but really I stayed in the house 90% of the time. I felt sad, like I was retreating back into myself, but I was really busy and looking back, really tired! The east village was beautiful, the shop owners helpful and the Bun bowl very very good! I felt so peaceful and content while exploring for new foods and finding familiar ones in a beautiful Whole Foods north of Chinatown. If it is actually ok for me to be happy, if it is not some sign of laziness that I love my job, then maybe I should go study food and history and spend my life learning about the things I love. Maybe. I plan on having all my applications mailed within a month, I will have taken my Foreign Service Officer's Exam and I suppose I will just have to wait. It will be interesting to see what my actual options are, rather than my theoretical ones! At least I have learned to enjoy the waiting, savor it. In fact, I think the greatest joy lies in the hope and excitement we feel while waiting.

Why are we here?

In my frantic quest for life I have been talking to God a lot. Unfortunately, I have not been able to quite my mind long enough to really listen. Today as I trudged home through the rain I began to question God and even shut-up long enough to listen. Through my questioning, I deduced that the answer to figuring out what to do with your life stems from the question, "why are we here in the first place"? The sole purpose we humans have in God's scheme is love. We are the only creatures with free-will and therefore the capacity to love.

I suppose it makes sense that the one obsession every human shares is the quest for love. The few who do not share these feelings are seen as monsters. We are made in God's likeness, so it stands to reason that He too would have an ingrained desire to create a creature capable of giving love to Him.

At this point, I begin to try to understand the ramifications of this concept, framing it in the only context I know: mine. What do I want from those I love? How do I extend this love to others? This is where I begin to slow down, burdened by my clearly inferior understanding. I suppose that I primarily want those I love to love me back and for them to be happy. When they hurt, I try to ease their pain and find a silver lining. I want others to love them as I do.

I love God, He wants me to be happy, He does not want me to worry because He's got everything under control, He is there to comfort me when thing go wrong and the joy He he puts in my heart shines on those around me. My purpose is to love him back, allow him to guide me through the life my heart has always longed for, and to let the joy that brings inspire and comfort those around me.

It seems too simple to be true. I feel that I am missing something. But this is what He whispered in my ear.

I also need to learn more about what love really is. I wish the purest love I felt was for my spouse, but I am not always unselfish or patient or kind to him. I wish I could say it was for my mother, but I selfishly lean on her for my own comfort. Or for my best friend, which is close to this love, but I still have selfish motives in my dreams for her. No, I think the purest love I have learned to express is for my baby brother. I only want him to be happy and safe. That simple. I don't expect or want anything from him other than the love I already know he has for me. Though this love is effortless for me to give to him, the idea of a God who feels this way about me is incomprehensible.

Perhaps as I come to accept this love and stop waiting to see what string is attached, I will begin to gain the courage to pursue my dreams. Perhaps when I learn to see God's face my own life will come into perspective.

West Village Weekends and the End of Week 4

I did not make it rowing on Thursday. Oh No, I ended-up working just late enough to miss it. That's alright though, I was able to go down there with G. and plan my rowing for Sunday. Friday I made my way down to G.'s house in the West Village to cat-sit for the weekend and I spent a luxurious evening relaxing and catching up on True Blood.

Saturday I woke-up in a panic, feeling sure I had a ton of work to do, but no idea what it was. I crawled out of bed and decided to organize my day. I needed to work on my EWI website, write my blogs, go sandwich ingredient hunting and make a million phone calls. I decided to start-off with the website. After watching several YouTube tutorials and reading several articles I decided that I must either be retarded or missing a vital piece of information. Fuck-it! I will try to learn a thing or two from my mom's computer tech husband while I am visiting them this week.

Off to search for the perfect sandwich! Unfortunately, I was not feeling great and had no interest in the damned sandwich. I soldiered on though! On my way down Bleeker I was stopped by an old woman sweeping her porch, we made small talk for a while before I went on my way. Just a reminder that in New York you are never alone, it is a city of neighbors instinctively bound together by the close quarters and hardships. We are all in this together.

I made my way down Bleeker to Murray's cheese shop where I procured a lovely Manchego. Next door at the Italian shop I purchased some smoked ham. I couldn't resist the urge to stop by Lobster Place next door to window shop their fish. Oh the smell! The heavenly aroma of fresh fish is one of the loveliest things on earth. The polar opposite of the rank smells I encountered down in Chinatown. After my fish-sniffing break I decided to go check-out the Citarella's on 6th Ave. Once again, I found myself taking in the smells of a fabulous fish market. I passed on the fish and purchased only a pear and a bottle of Fiji water. On my way out I realized that I had forgotten to buy the specialty sea salted butter at Murray's, so I trudged back over. I still had not found my cranberry walnut bread, so I gave up and settled for a loaf of challah on the way home.

Back at the house I sliced the challah thin and spread the divine butter on the outside. For a sauce I mixed organic honey and spicy brown mustard, topping the sauce with slices of fresh pear, ham and manchego. I experimented with a truffled honey, but the taste of it nearly gagged me! For my taste, the woodsy and sweet are not a pleasant combination. I grilled the sandwich and it looked beautiful! Despite my flimsy appetite and low expectations, the sandwich was fantastic. Sometimes when you know what to do and you have the right elements, just going through the motions is good enough. I ended my evening sacked-out in front of the tube, going to bed anticipating my rowing adventure.

Sunday was gorgeous, 75 degrees with a cool breeze and bright blue skies. I headed over to pier 40 in high spirits. I decided to take pictures of the water front on the other side of the Westside highway. It reminded me of the relaxed beauty of the Santa Monica boardwalk. Me being me, was blissfully unaware of those around me, seeing their forms as just part of the pictures I was snapping. I put my camera away and crossed the street after the light changed, glancing up at the men who had been in my shots. Low and behold one of the men was an actor from Law and Order out for a stroll with his new baby. Ugggh! I felt like suck an asshole! He must have thought I was some crazed fan snapping pictures of him! I have a history of this type of faux pax. I was hungrily walking downtown looking for a place to eat, when an overfilled bagel caught my eye, as I neared the overflowing bagel I happened to look-up and see the bagel's owner, none other than Leonardo DiCaprio. Ugggh! I was mortified at the thought that he must have interpreted my hungry gaze as being for him, not his meal. Oh well, I suppose my unawareness must be a cosmic joke to keep me humble!

I arrived ready to row! I begged out on the 5 hour row to Brooklyn and was assigned the "short trip" crew. We were set to go down to the Statue of Liberty and back in around 3 hours. Apparently seamen, no matter their geographical location are a strange lot. The unlikely crews consisted of waspy couples, hippies and that strange breed of middle aged white men looking to redefine their masculinity. None the less, the weather was beautiful and I was ready to climb aboard.

My first indication that things may not work out as I had hoped began when I gazed down at the dock and realized the bobbing was making my head hurt. I ignored this fact and climbed down to our ship. The first hours was lovely, the wind blowing a light mist over our warm faces. My crew of 4 rowers and two skippers were getting along famously. All that began to change as we passed the financial district and passed into the New York Harbor. By the time we made it to Governor's Island, I was not feeling well at all. The rest brakes we took, where we simply let the boat bob around made matters even worse. As we passed the Statue of Liberty, I was in agony! My head was screaming and throbbing and an intense bout of nausea was growing by the minute. I swapped out with the extra rower and spent the remainder of the trip clinging to the sides of the boat praying for land. I though about jumping overboard and swimming for shore. Anything to get off that fucking boat! But my fear of the disease infested waters of the Hudson kept be aboard. Needless to say, I spent the remainder of the night recovering.

This week I certainly had a new NYC experience, I worked-out every day, I tryed a new recipe, wrote, pushed myself by attempting the website and went out with my EWI group. It was fairly successful week.

I am headed to Colorado this week for a girlfriend's wedding and I plan on taking advantage of my mother's kitchen to test out a pulled pork recipe! Hopefully, I will be able to channel the heart of the experiment while I am there, seeking out friendship, adventure and passion every day. My life is shaping up, and hopefully I am getting closer to finding my destiny.

Sandwiches and RFPs: Just Another Thursday in Paridise

I think I left off yesterday musing about my next new recipe. I have now gotten in the mindset that it must not only be new, but also hard! I am setting aside my overachiever antics this weekend and going for simple and well thought out.

Sadly, the last dish that actually inspired me was a sandwich. It was an unexpected pleasure, bursting with satisfying flavor. I plan to source my ingredients from the specialty shops in the West Village and create something similarly simple and perfect. I love sweet and savory, so I am going to find a hearty bread....

Ugh, the Boss from Hell is in full-on bitch mode this morning. I am working on a marketing proposal with my friend Gus because the completely inept marketing manager is on vacation. After working hard on it all morning, Boss Lady comes in and shits on our efforts. She has spent the remainder of the morning in her office screaming at everyone from her co-op board to a sub consultant, who wouldn't want a glamorous job like this?

Back to the sandwich. I am going to go to a specialty cheese shop, try to find a beautiful, smokey ham and some fresh pear or apple. It will be fun to hunt for ingredients and to create something simple and well crafted. I also may make a new dessert. My main objective this weekend is to settle into my West Village home-away-from-home and write and create a website.

Well, I had better get back to this proposal that we will most certainly not get. Off to rowing on the Hudson tonight! Hell, if my biggest problem is a crappy job and bitchy boss, my life is pretty great! Thank God I'm in New York where the time between work hours are filled with magic and possibility.

Week Four Hump Day

Yesterday was filled with the usual madness from my Boss, perhaps a bit intensified because she missed having her whipping-girl/ lap-dog around for two whole days! I did everything from crawling around on my knees (in a freakin' skirt) picking up papers she had thrown to editing and revising a proposal for a new client. Ahhhh the life of an assistant in a medium sized, failing company, ain't it grand? After work, the EWI group met in Queens for authentic Thai food.

Sripraphai was not as close as I thought it would be, so I ended-up 20 minutes late walking through some very unfamiliar territory! As I approached the restaurant, I knew it must be good. There was actually a crowd out front waiting to get inside. Everyone else had arrived and begun order deliberations. I am quite unfamiliar with Thai, so I left it up to them to pick-out a feast for us. The service was just perfect, and probably by accident! The dishes came out one-by-one, allowing us to sample tapas style. I took pictures and passed the dishes. We had a great time overall, and time flew by us as usual. The food was just not my taste. It wasn't bad, but it just did not excite me. I thought I felt this way because I had not had "real" Thai, but now I know it is just not my flavor profile.

The beef curry was quite good, but the most amazing thing I ate all night was a tiny bite of squid in the fried watercress salad. That squid had the perfect texture, easily pulling apart with a fork, and the brightness of the flavor shocked me. It had a light, crisp, sweet flavor that was bigger than the bite itself, it felt exactly like a summer meal should. It was sunshine and running through the sprinklers. This may sound over-the-top, but in a meal filled with bold, spicy, heavy dishes, it was a breath of fresh air. The worst dish of the night was a fish dish I mistook for eggplant. I only realized my error when I scooped it onto my plate and a bone popped out. It did not taste much better than it looked, but I suppose I have never been much of a catfish person. All that aside, it was a truly satisfying meal.

I find that it is not merely food that makes a meal fulfilling, more often it is the quality of the company you enjoy it with. Food can be a solitary comfort, but as with wine, it is better with friends. The dinner I prepared last weekend was good, but not perfect. The meal itself merely melted into the experience and the laughter and that is what is remembered, that is what keeps you full. Last night was like that. I enjoyed the adventure of it all, and it is a pleasure to share experiences with people who are as passionate about them as you are.

Our little group is growing strong, everyone is dedicated and excited to build something together. I need to get ahead of it all before it runs me down! We have a new member event in two weeks, and nothing scheduled before due to the holiday. This weekend I need to hunker down and try to build a website.

This is the first time I have had a need for new technology, as I am quite resistant to it! That will be my push this week, perhaps no dinner party, but I will research and try to build a website to house my baby! If the leader has no vision, the movement will surely die. With that in mind, I need to make sure I stay focused and keep us moving. I may go see Erin in Brooklyn, and I am going to try to follow-up with Cherida to set-up a meeting with her sister who lives here. I have a special game-plan for my new recipe of the week, but that will have to wait, I am being summoned to make milky oatmeal for Boss-lady, thank God it's Wednesday, tomorrow is mini-Friday, Friday she leaves early.....

Perspective

I am happy to say that I have not succumb to my brain aneurysm, or as it more likely is, my "receptionist ear" injury. I have spoken to my wonderful man who is my greatest fan and enabler, who has given me his blessing to come home and be a lazy sack. I feel much better and have been able to put things back into perspective.

I have always been a fan of the quantifiable; loving lists and calendars and graphs. I consulted with one such calendar to discover that I have only been house/work-bound 3 out of 7 days in the last 3 weeks. For a recovering hermit, such as myself, this is quite a feat! The perfectionist bitch in me is always finding a way to make sure my efforts do not go unpunished, but the calendar, like the scale, doesn't lie.

I have re-centered and am feeling quite pleased with myself, my calendar is almost full for August, my weight is down to an acceptable level, my girlfriends are no longer feeling neglected and my man is madly in love with me. If I can get my employment under control, I am going to be pretty close to perfect! You can't change you life overnight, but you sure can make improvements.

I suppose lately the desperate woman inside me screaming for change forgot one important fact: Destiny finds you, not the other way around. It may have not found me yet, but things are certainly heading in the right direction. Tomorrow is not just another day, tomorrow is hope and possibility and could be the day destiny finds me. Thank God for tomorrows and thank God for today.

Good Intentions

You know about the road to hell, well, the road back to my apartment is paved with good intentions as well. It is 5:55pm and I am sooo not going rowing. I am going to go with my friend Gus next week, but for tonight, I just want to run home and hide in my apartment.

Today was rough. I woke-up this morning with the distinct feeling of an icepick being stuck in my brain at random intervals, this sensation did not improve. This alone is enough to set me on edge, but, of course, today was a very "hands-on" day for my usually innocuous boss. Oh yes, and her crazy was on full-blast. Getting her golf clubs picked-up took precedence over a legal contract, and I was lambasted for not knowing what the hell the contract was for. I not-so-kindly reminded her that I am not an architect or a lawyer, I just try to type the damn thing.

My paranoia is on full tilt today as well, I have nearly convinced myself that the pain in my head is a brain aneurysm. I have been on the verge of a panic attack all day, and I am finding it difficult to breath, even sitting down. I though rowing might be a good way to "get it out of my system", but I think another trip on the subway would put me over the edge. So, back to my hole.

I am not pleased with myself, the way I am weaseling out of my weekly list, but Thank God its Monday Night, now 6:05pm. I have a full week ahead of me to do better, and the worst day of the week is behind me! Oh shit. I just realized it's Tuesday, well, I suppose the above mentioned sentiments still apply, but my brain aneurysm theory is gaining steam. For tonight I will try to put it all behind me and push the guilt aside as I lose myself in Mad Men and vegetarian chicken patties. Tomorrow is a new day.......

Actually, fuck that! If I wanna curl up alone on my couch with frozen food and bad TV, that is my perogitive! The point of the experiment is to make sure I don't do that every night. It would be just like me to overshoot and fly to the other end of the spectrum. Ugh. I am going to see Jo this weekend, perhaps Kaitlin tomorrow, the EWI group on Tuesday, Gus on Thursday, I certainly can be called a hermit no longer. So FUCK you little voice, hmm, my brain anyurism is starting to relax, fancy that. Well, enough of crazy bosses and crazy Fi, tomorrow really is a new day.

Hitting a Wall

Just when I was sure that things couldn't get any easier, week two went and knocked me on my ass! I have been missing postings, missing workouts and feeling utterly exhausted! I kind of feel like I am failing, backsliding this week.

To get some perspective I looked at my calendar from the last two weeks.
During week one: I was pretty good about working out, I started a food group, had drinks with my co-founder, the first meeting of the Foodie Club (EWI), the Cannoli experiment and a good Trader Joe's run.
This week: I have missed workouts several days, my blogging has been inconsistent, I am trying to plan the next EWI meeting on Sunday, I had dinner with Gussie, am having drinks with her tonight, went to the CUNY mixer and a Freelance class, I'm walking to Chinatown tomorrow and attempting to make homemade pasta and scallops on Saturday night.

I guess I have been busy, but it just doesn't feel as good. I wonder why. I am house sitting in the West Village this weekend, and that apartment always inspires me to write, hell it inspired me to start The Experiment, I think writing and re-focusing will be good. This experience is meant to push me, propel me, inspire me into the life I want and create some clarity as to what direction I should let my future take. I am feeling pretty lost and a little beaten down this week, but I guess I am still following the goals.

My wonderful, amazing boyfriend sent me a nice surprise in the mail: casino winning from Vegas. He was so excited to give it to me and to hear my reaction. Someone decided that they needed the money more and stole it right out of the sweet card, stuffing the mangled greeting back into a priority envelope. To hear the hurt and disappointment in D.'s voice was almost more than I could bear! It's just money, it would have been a really nice perk after the pay cuts and frustrations this week, but I am really trying to not let this upset me. I know it always comes back in one way or another, but for some reason it makes me so so sad. I have been ugly and bitter at work this week, and that makes me sad. I don't know what to do with my life and that makes me sad. All the joy of The Experiment is taking a beating this week and I am desperate to get it back!

It is my life and I choose passion and joy and adventure! That is my mantra and no one can take those things away unless I let them. I am going to continue to chant and push on through. I still have two and a half days to meet my goals for week 2 and to take back the smile that is rightfully mine.

Week 2, Day 3

Whew, I missed writing yesterday because I was at the CUNY freelance writing workshop, and then in a meeting at my office getting my pay cut. I have some catching up to do!

Ok, Monday evening I reeeally did not want to go to the "meet and greet" at the Graduate school, but I did. It was interesting. I left just as torn and confused as to which direction to take with my life as ever, but I did find it informative. Oh, I also re-weighed myself and realized that I had in fact lost 3 lbs last week.

Tuesday: I went to Pilates and then hiked over to the school for the Freelance workshop. It was really interesting. I feel like, if I can get motivated, that would be the best place for me to start trying to get my work published. I can't help but think that even after going to graduate school I would have to start off the same way. I know that I would rather work for a magazine than a newspaper, I want to write editorial or features, not do reporting. I guess I am slowly figuring out a few things. I really am not sure about school, but I have a year to figure it out!

I arrived back at work a hour before our scheduled "mandatory staff meeting". When the hammer fell, I gotta give my boss credit, she did a really good job. The pay cut sucks but she made it really hard to get super pissed at her, in that meeting. My measly pay is getting cut 10% now, and if things don't get better, another 20% in a month. Thiiiis is not goood! I figure for that type of salary I could be doing something fun! Hell, I could work in publishing or at the page program at NBC! I know it will all work out for the best, God always has my back. My friend and I decided to go back to her place and have a few glasses of wine in honor of the pay-cutting and then she took me out to a great dinner of Burgers and roast chicken with my best friend, french fries! (I thought it was amazing, but I also had not eaten all day and was tipsy, so who knows)

After dinner, I wandered back up to Midtown East from her home in the West Village and called my man. We had a bit of a quarrel the night before, but he tryed calling me all day to apologize. He promised me we would be the fairytale couple we where when we first met when he got home. I hope he is right, for better or worse, he is my best friend!

Now it is Wednesday morning, I slept through my alarm, so no workout yet. I suppose I have conquered a few weekly goals so far:
-Social Outings
-New Connection (kind of, I actually did not meet anyone I am going to stay in contact with, hmm)
-Workouts so far
-Writing-I have some really great new ideas
- Dinner party scheduled for Sunday
- New Recipe to try Saturday: Homemade pasta with scallops in a lemon butter sauce
- New NYC: Explore Chinatown in search of Broccoli
- Pushing myself: ?

So I am half way through my week and I am still in the planning stage, but hey, I still have four more days to make it happen!

Wrap-up of Week One

Quite a start if I do say so! I worked-out almost every day and lost 4 lbs, gaining 3 back over the weekend :..( I tried a new recipe and now know how to make Cannoli shells, if not the filling. I had a party, went out for drinks, met 10 new people and have been writing every day. I said yes to life this week and the results have been staggering. I am not losing site of my other goal though, trying to figure out my next career move. Though I am embracing life now, I always keep one eye on the horizon.

I suppose I should talk about the party. It ended up being nine of us in out strange motley crew! We have two paralegals, one lawyer, two finance guys, two lucky ladies in publishing, one gal whose job I just can't remember and Me. We are all in our mid to late twenties/ early thirties and we love to eat. I would say 7 out of 9 love to cook as well, though no one has a culinary degree. We all find our passion for the edible to be our salvation from the mundane realities and disappointments of our lives. One of the lovely publishing girls came up with our name, a name that falls just shy of pretension into the silly and ironic: Eating With Impunity (EWI for short)!

We EWI members sat and drank ten bottles of wine, laughed and shouted, and finally ended-up at an after party of sorts at the finance guys' loft. We were there to see the space and help him make fried risotto. K my co-founder, began snapping pictures and it was a great time! Looking at the pictures, I saw that I loomed about the other women. At first feeling quite amazonian, I began to smile. There I was with my pearls and red lipstick, boisterous and larger than life: I felt just like Julia! It didn't matter that I did not look petite or the thinnest of the girls, I was channeling my hero, a woman who was loved and adored for her vibrance and not her dress size. I probably sound a bit foolish, seeing as this "amazon" is only a size 4, but it is all relative, and this is New York!

My how things change! One week ago I was house sitting in the West Village, trying to figure out how to make my life more passionate, more full of laughter, more full of people and parties and new experiences. I shot for my eight weekly goals (I so hate that it is not a more rounded number, like 10!) and I tried to approach everything as an adventure or a story. It has been a bit exhausting, but strangely easy. Who knew my experiment would begin working so fast! I am well on my way to the life I want right now, but I am still in the dark about what to do next, I guess you can't expect to have it all in only one week.


Week One Goal List:
1. Daily Workout- 6 days
2. New Recipe - Fat Free Cannoli
3. New Writing- Blogger Article: cooking and cunnilingus
4. Dinner Party - EWI party
5. Social Event - Drinks with K.
6. New Connection - K. and the EWI's
7. New NYC Experience - Hell's Kitchen Flea Market
8. One Yes instead of No - I honestly don't think I made this one this week

Day 5

Yesterday was interesting. I was a bit more bitter at work, thinking about our eminent pay-cut meeting and unfruitful looking for other jobs on craigslist, but other than that, it was a pretty good day. After the weekly Boss-induced Friday heart attack (She waits until her bus to the hamptons is departing and then finds important things to work on, while I work like crazy to get her packed, out the door and at the same time finish typing the document she is working on), I made my grocery list and headed to meet my fellow type-a foodie.

She was not there when I arrived or after my first glass of wine, and I began to wonder if I had fallen victim to some deranged internet predator who would make plans with people and then stand them up! Well, she actually called the bar, God-bless her, to let me know that she was on her way. She turned out to be a total doll! I would assume close to my age, classic style, pretty and hates her job as much as I hate mine. To steal the line: "I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship!"

The Foodie Club party is on! There are several different directions it could go, more cooking or more eating, celebrity chefs coming to speak ect. OOOOH! I just had a great idea! I can't blog it here though! If we can find a way to turn this club into a business, we could both escape our silly starter-jobs.

After drinks I staggered down to the Trader Joe's and Food emporium and drunkenly spend a small fortune on food. I am all set for the Cannoli challenge though! I also agreed, just this morning to meet a friend of my mom's friend to discuss law school, a yes I would normally have said no to: Check. All I have left to do this week is to actually make the Cannoli and to do something New Yorkie.

Let's see where life takes me today!

Though my job is on the rocks and there are no new prospects in sight, though I still have no idea what to do with my life, perhaps with passion as my compass, this may turn out to be a great year!

Day 3, Morning 4

I was able to check-off several of my weekly goals last night! I have drinks scheduled for Friday and the Foodie club party scheduled for Sunday. Next week I already have an almost full calendar with the CUNY Journalism events. The main thing left on my list is a new recipe.

As much as I love to cook, making something new has become a drudgery. This is very sad. I guess it has been awhile since I was inspired by something I ate to the point where I wanted to recreate a healthier version of it.

I cook daily, but I stick with the simple things I can whip up and know I will enjoy. Last night was baked eggplant Parmesan, the night before was avocado veggie wraps, tonight will be leftovers from both. This weekend I want to make some homemade chicken or vegetable curry, but I need to find a new recipe or new inspiration to explore.

OHHHHHH!

I got it! I created a recipe for baked cannoli and have yet to try and make them! That will be my new conquest for the weekend! Haha!


So Far:

New Writing-check
New Connection- check
New Social Event- check
New Recipe- planned
Daily Workout- so far

I mean, I will review the full results of week one on Sunday, but so far this has been too easy! I think I may need to step it up! But I am getting ahead of myself, there is still the weekend with the first meeting and canolli battle to get through.