God and the Wounded Creature Within

My reaction to my father's email concerned me. He talked about being in God's favor, about God longing for me, about great things coming to me and being willing to have faith and take a risk. My first thought, my knee-jerk reaction, was that I was about to lose everything. Talk about irrational. When I hear I am being blessed with everything, I hear I am about to lose it all.

I opened my palm and let Him hold my hand today. I felt Him kiss my cheeks. Then He said something I had to ask Him to repeat. He told me that he would like to get to know me in the good times, we had been through enough bad.

Here's the thing, I know when I listen to him things turn out for the best, but I don't feel like I have been listening to anything lately. I have felt a bit odd, a bit disconnected. Perhaps it is just a matter of getting to know him outside of the proverbial warzone, perhaps now is the time to get reacquainted on domestic soil.

It's sad that the One who saved me reminds me so much of that which I needed to be saved from that I would flinch at His name. I am realizing that there is a wounded creature that still lurks inside of me, just under the surface.

I am haunted, in my dreams, by a lingering desire to be saved and by the knowledge that no one ever comes. He does though, He always is waiting. In my poor, damaged mind He designed it that way; a manipulative tactic to thrust me into His arms because there is no one else to cling to. Cognitively, I know this is not true. I know that He does not operate that way. That creature though, she looks at Him with wide-eyed mistrust. How did this happen? I have fought this creature my whole life. Seeing Him and realizing who he is, then forgetting all over again. How could I forget? I want to feel badly, but I don’t feel much of anything save a twinge of sadness.

The creature inside of me heard Him say that He is back, not to save me, but to reintroduce himself to me outside of the shadowy world of my despair. She took a step toward Him, still shaking, but intrigued. Could it be true?

I take it back, I do feel something. It isn’t guilt though; it is deep, deep sadness and shock that I am only now seeing this pathetic creature for the first time. Now that I see her, I realize she has been there all along.

Funny, she came out of the shadows again tonight. Someone got too close to my heart. I reeled back with a vicious growl. I keep her well hidden, but I hear her, barring her teeth at the mere idea of someone getting close enough to hurt me. What happened to me that this thing could live inside of me?

I have spent my entire life running headfirst into the heart of anything that frightens me. I loathe the idea of anything having that kind of grip on me. It is only my great faith in myself that allows for my hopeful views of the future. For someone who dreams fearlessly of conquests and mountains to climb, it is funny to see the cynic beneath it all. I am good at dreaming about that which I can control. Hoping for that which I cannot is terrifying. I do believe that is the risk He is asking me to take now.

Things have been so frighteningly beautiful lately. Seeing the life I have always dreamed of, even the pieces I cannot control, coming together; it is petrifying. How could I have all this? I have done nothing to earn it. It is a gift I cannot bring myself to accept.

He is holding his hand out to me, telling me to take a step into the darkness. Who knew the one thing I would fear would be happiness?

In my philosophical musings I have come to accept that nothing lasts forever, and that is shouldn’t. Life is an ever-changing landscape with wonders and beauties of all different kinds to see along the way. It is not meant to be lived standing still. I have also come to accept the fact that as long as my home is in my heart, each scene will be mine, I will not be alone. I suppose that the next step is living these ideals; believing in the beauty, the goodness and the joy of life.

Now is the time to stop waiting for the “other shoe to drop”. It is time to let go of the fear and accept fully the happiness that has been offered to me, even the happiness that I have not earned. It is time to take the biggest risk of my life; accept joy and all the dangers of loss and disappointment that comes along with it. It is time to heal the wounded creature in my heart. It is time to learn to be truly fearless. I suppose it is time to learn to be more like Him. An open heart is a courageous one.

I have tasted perfection. When I let go it feels more like flying than falling. I want to spread my wings. I want to trust Him to not let me crash to the ground. God gave me the gift and the responsibility of an open heart. Imagine the possibilities if I open it up all the way. Imagine what love like that could do. It could light up a city.

I hear him now whispering, "Trust Me"...

Cheery Pit BBQ's and Coma-like Sleep

I had a beautiful little Friday. I slept a bit, visited with a few people and let the lack of sleep put me in a subdued state. Yesterday was a continuation of this happy, zen state. I slept, I sat, I ignored the chimes of my various technological devices demanding my presence here or there.

After an afternoon to myself, I decided to re-enter society. Kaitlin wanted me to come over and grill and Jo and Nelson were still at the market. I called them to see if they wanted to come along. It was one of those perfect afternoons that come together effortlessly. They were happy to pick-up the supplies and take me downtown, Kaitlin was happy to host and be descended upon; I was just plain happy.

Riding down the FDR, watching the city fly by on my right, the east river on my left and my best friend in front of me bantering happily with Nelson, I felt as though I was seeing a mirage. I was almost afraid to move for fear it would all melt away. Everything was as it should be, or as I have always dreamed it to be.

Everyone was happy, everyone was here with me. I was peaceful, basking in this vision. Dinner on the Terrace kept me floating in this state. We cooked and laughed and soaked-up the perfect summer evening. Thinking about it, I had to fight the moisture in my eyes. It was all to easy, too good. Life has not given me much of that. Possibility is what I live on, but actually having it is terrifying to hope for.

God how we laughed! We ended-up playing an infantile game, spitting cherry pits over her balcony. Jo and I returned home and kept each other in stitches dancing to Journey and Asian renditions of American pop. I have not laughed like that in ages. That silly, pure laughter. I laugh, but it is always tinged with irony, always with an underlying tragedy to it.

I let go over the last few days, riding a wave of irrational passion and possibility. Rather than slamming me into the beach, it set me down gently. I am calm now, the sky's just opened and as I hang out of my little window watching the torrents, a smile spreads across my face. Even the rain is beautiful right now.

I have not had any great epiphany, I haven't reach some new level of understanding, but somehow floating along I found comfort. What was I running from? Where am I running to? I haven't a clue, but I suppose we work out a lot of things we don't understand when we are sleeping. Perhaps I simply had to run myself ragged until I could sleepwalk myself home.

Sometimes Life Just Hurts

I have experienced quite a bit of pain in my life, both physical and emotional. When undergoing minor surgery in Iraq without anesthetic, I did not ask the question, "why is this happening to me?" I shrugged off any compassion or questions to this effect with the explanation that maybe it was because I could handle it. Better me with my strong pain threshold than someone less capable of enduring it. This line of reasoning, while not entirely logical, was enough to keep me from slipping into a state of dribbling self-pity.

On Friday, I found out I needed to have my IUD removed. I was nearly in tears before I ever entered the exam room, so this information left me shaking. It hurt, it hurt a lot. It hurt more than it should have, probably due to the surgeries I endured years before. On Friday, while fighting back my tears with all the pride left in my bleeding body, I finally whimpered that question: "Why me?" I wondered why I had to experience all this pain. I was overcome by the pain I had felt over all the years in every stabbing reminder of what had just transpired. I scheduled a date to have the IUD replaced, though I shuddered at the though of going through that agony all over again.

Again unprotected from a pregnancy I knew I did not want, I felt vulnerable. I felt beaten. I heard again all the voices of my superiors in the army taunting me, telling me that I would be the next pathetic soldier to end-up knocked-up and useless. Telling me it was only a matter of time. I heard their voices really telling me that I was a fool to think I could control my destiny or even my body. I felt so angry, so assaulted, so sad.

I went on a lovely date with D Friday night. We had drinks and then dinner at a private little Italian restaurant in the East Village. I had a great time, but then, curled up on the couch with him I felt trapped in between his embrace and my isolation.

I have become deeply independent over the last few months. Part of being independent is being fiercely protective of yourself. When he wrapped his arms around me, my instinct was to become defensive. This reaction was so foreign in the context of our history together that it made me feel sad, angry and vulnerable.

The next day I let down those defenses, those walls I carefully crafted around myself, and had a wonderful day wandering around the city with him. It felt natural again. It was not until Saturday evening that I felt the first stab. Looking at him on the couch next to me, I once again had to fight the tears. He would be leaving the next day. I would go back to my life and he to his. Back to the separate lives we now lead. There are consequences to letting your walls down, they allow both for connection and for pain.

He left today. I went uptown to my EWI event and he jetted off for Las Vegas. The party was a fantastic success, but on my way home I felt the familiar ache I though I had cured myself of. I missed him. Even sitting in the bar, surrounded by my adoring friends who had sustained me all these months, I felt his absence like a knife.

Like my faulty IUD that had to come out, it was time for him to go back to pursuing his dreams and me to mine. Still, I sit in astonishment at the pain; suspecting but not realizing how much it was going to hurt. Wounds heal, defenses can be rebuilt, but these facts to not bring relief to those in the midst of their distress. This time I will not ask the futile question, "Why me?". There is no answer. Sometimes life just hurts.

I guess we have to learn to live with this fact. I am still learning to navigate the world with both a coat of armor and an open heart. I think that to live life avoiding pain at all costs is to lose out on some of the things that make it worth living. The key may be to discern which things those are. Though I may be able to endure the assaults of life on my body and heart, I am also able to accept the joyful moments and pleasures the world offers me.

I will be gentle with my heart and body, protecting them from the unnecessary agonies and nursing them back from all the rest.

Roller Coaster Climb

Well, my writing has been noticeably non-existent lately. I suppose I just haven't wanted to face my thoughts, or I am simply overwhelmed by the number of thoughts and have not known where to start. That's the bitch about getting behind in anything, whether it's phone calls or deadlines, they always grow to monstrous inconveniences when left to fester to long!

I have also been a bit busy playing house with my ex. It is just so easy to fall back into things, pretending nothing has changed. Well, D. came back from Vegas and I decided to just enjoy the familiar, fun company of my best friend and lover of the last 3 + years. The first week he was back we partied and played and acted as though we were on an extended vacation. The next week I was at Gus's apartment cat sitting. I had him over once, and had plenty of adventures in cat litter and free movies on Roku to keep me occupied.

The following week my brother came out for a visit. It was great to see him and show-off my city, but fate being what it is, I had the freakin' flu the entire time and he was under the weather too. We invited D. out with us a few times as well. It was one evening that week that I decided to go a bit cyber-stalker on his ass. Never a good look on me, but I stumbled upon a message from an online dating service and I was rendered helpless against the subsequent sick curiosity. It was upsetting to see that he was actively "chatting" with women who were not me. It had to start sometime, I guess I have been waiting for that particular hammer to drop for a while now.

My brother headed back to school and I left Gus's apartment and moved back home. Emotionally and physically exhausted, I threw myself back into his arms for the rest of the week. We talked about the "cyber girls" and he said he was just testing the waters. He clearly did not owe me an explanation, but he is incredibly accommodating to my craziness. This weekend he moved all his things out and today he kissed me goodbye and headed back off to the desert for the next six week shoot.

I am now sitting in my newly organized apartment missing him. I tried looking through a few Timeout New York singles profiles, but they just made me miss him more. I am such an extremist: I either crave singlehood or marriage, not much in between. I suppose it is starting to dawn on me that it is not completely up to me whether or not we are together. He is an active party in this dissolution as well. This knowledge is bruising and liberating at the same time.

Control may be comforting, but it also comes with a great deal of pressure. All I can do is sit back and see what happens. The truth of the matter is; we have fun together, we are comfortable together, we know each other like family. On the other hand, I want to be with someone who is totally sold on me and for all his adoration, he is still not completely convinced that I am his end-all-be-all. I also want a man who can take care of himself and this is his time to prove that he can stand on his own two feet. Yes, this is how it has to be. As kind as he is to me, these last few weeks of playing house have made it clear that he has moved on more than I have. I am once again in the position of caring more than he does and that is just not good enough.

I'll tell you what I want; I want to start an amazing career. I want to start building a grown-up life that is challenging and rewarding and exciting. That is the extent of my lust. I have finally gotten to the age where I realize that a man cannot change my life, no man can give me what I truly long for. Once I have the life I desire, then love will come into focus.

So what now? I'll just keep pushing. I am once again playing the wait and see game. I have applications out at NYU and for a new job at ICE. We'll see where that takes me. And yes, I will keep writing, just keep chronicling the inevitable comic tragedies to come! Hey, it's me, and if I know one thing its that I attract a particularly hilarious brand of craziness. I don't think I would have it any other way. No more tears, it is time to laugh like a maniac and hold on tight, cause this roller coaster is just getting started.

Forever

It's amazing how the hardest thing can end up being the easiest too. Honesty is so feared, yet once engaged it is the only way to salvation. This blog is my honesty, a bearing of my soul. He read my thoughts today, finally seeing that which was always hidden in plain sight.

We cried together and found comfort in the mutual pain and love we still share. We both know what needs to be done, but we also hope that the best part of us can continue. Our friendship somehow remains intact.

I am of the cynical belief that lovers, boyfriends, husbands come and go throughout your life, the only people who can truly be yours for life are your friends who become your truest family. Friends love without condition, without expectation and without expiration. Perhaps forever was not a lie, as with so many things in life, it may just look different from the way we imagined it.

Facing The Tiger

I suppose I left the door of the tiger's room ajar. The problem that has been softly (or loudly) growling from behind the curtain of music and work and friends and booze. I looked him in the eye the other day and I knew I couldn't avoid him too much longer.

Well, Thursday night I worked late in Brooklyn and planned to meet-up with my girlfriend after. I was going to vaguely elude to my current state of turmoil, but she saw strait through me as though I was made of glass. I think she and I are going to be great friends. It is scary how quickly she knew me, but I suppose she is another woman who shares my particular brand of soul and situation. No one else has caught on, but I suppose their views are tainted by their long standing knowledge of me and their knowledge of my frankness. They just did not think to dig deeper.

We met at the most fabulous downtown private club, The Downtown Association. She recently became a member and wanted to show me around. It was truly something from another era. The leather furniture, ornate wall and ceiling treatments, fireplaces and even a taxidermy zoo in the "smoking room", lent to the authentic gentleman's club feel. I am not high society or pretentious (though I relish feigning pretension!) and neither is she. We are both California girls, from a land where the idea of a class system is humorously foreign. It is for this reason, the utter difference of this place, that we are so amused by it. We looked the part; she in her knit top and pencil skirt, me in my cropped suit jacket and high waisted slacks, both of us sporting a single strand of pearls. We are not trying to be anything we are not anymore than a soldier in camouflage is trying to be the jungle! We do know how to blend in to our surrounding, the only true way to observe those so different from ourselves.

The conversation flowed with the drinks and moved with us to The Vintry wine bar and finally to the bar in her apartment building, we found ourselves in similar predicaments and desperately in need of the other's sameness.

D was angry that I hadn't called him all day and was out when I finally stumbled home. When he tried to wake me up, I merely mumbled and rolled over. I was not about to fight with that much alcohol in my bloodstream and uncertainty in my heart.

Then he crossed the threshold. You see there are two domains within our tiny apartment, his is the night and mine the early morning, the space in between shared. When I woke up the next morning and began to get up for spin class, he got up and stopped me. Seeing him enter into my domain made me realize how serious the conversation was going to be. We began fighting about our most recent point of contention: the fact that I don't answer my phone when I am out and don't call during the day. Then it went deeper.

He was the brave soul who said the unspeakable. He told me that passion was our most binding trait as a couple, and though he still felt it burning for me, he had not felt the reciprocal from me in a long time. He calmly told me that if I wanted to give it another shot that he would do all he could to rekindle the flame, but if not, it was time to move on. I cried, but only a little, I said I couldn't bear to answer him that very moment, I was only sure that things had changed and I did not understand how I could love someone and yet still grow apart. He told me that either way, he was going to move out by the summer. So begins the long goodbye.

Throughout the day I felt heavy, no relief at facing the tiger, acknowledging his presence, just heavy. This is a sad thing and uncharted territory for us both. I love this man and he has done nothing wrong. He loves me and tries to make me happy. Something is missing, somewhere along the way we began to grow in different directions. How complexly sad to love someone and yet know that you are not supposed to be with them. What a wicked conundrum. I want to run from the pain, run from the tiger, run back into bed with him and into our shared life and never see a hurt expression or the piece of me being ripped right out of my heart. I would gladly fall on my own sword to save those I love an ounce of pain, but it is not fair to do that either. What happens now?

I pray that we can maintain the love and respect we have for one another as we begin to untangle our previously intertwined lives. I pray that we have the grace to be kind and gentle with one another. I pray that my best friend, the one I have found in him, can survive this twist of fate. I pray that I am strong enough to do what is right.

The tears I now am fighting back are distinct. Through all the ups and downs of the last year, not once have tears clouded my horizon. These tears are different, they are products of the deepest place in my heart, reserved for lost dreams and the excruciating pain of decisions that cannot be rationalized. These are from the mysterious and cruel land of love.

I no longer feel the urge to crawl into a bottle and hide. There is no more hiding to be done, the cat-is-out-of-the-bag and all I can do is try to face it with as much bravery as I can muster. It is so hard! It is so hard to feel these things! I am not a coward, but I do cower in the face of this storm. There they are! Ugh, I guess I should just expect impromptu bouts of tears from now on. No one said life was easy, you certainly will never hear me say it. Oh God, don't let me hurt him too much! That is my greatest fear, that is my greatest anguish. Dying dreams and hurting those I love. It is going to be a long winter, hopefully the sunshine of spring with heal hearts and brighten the horizon.

Feels Like Falling in Love

You know that feeling when you are falling in love? When it feels like the world is ripe with possibilities, when you feel like the most interesting, beautiful person on the planet? Well, I have been feeling that way a lot lately.


I wonder if it is actually possible to hold onto this feeling, clutch it close and luxuriate in it. The fact that I am not falling in love with anyone in particular, but rather, many people, places and experiences, means that I am not reliant on a person to maintain the sunshine of new love. As we all know, when the glossy veneer of lust begins to fade, all the cracks begin to show, people becomes real, imperfect and unable to live up to the idolized image we have created of them. Perhaps loving whole heartedly and widely Will create a vacuum in which the beautiful glow can be maintained.


Even as I write this I don't believe it! This feeling is like being high, and everyone has to come down sometime.

As Katy Perry said, "Its not serious, just want to try you on", well what if you could live as though you were in a dressing room? Trying on different possibilities like clothing. Its an interesting prospect.

You are What I Want You to Be- An Affair of the Mind

I desire you because my life with you is perfect.
I lust for you because you fit so perfectly into the idyllic future in my mind.
I long for you because you represent the life I dream of.I hunger for you because I hunger for what my life could be.
I love you because you are not you at all but a piece of me.

The Hideousness of Men

I am reading a book right now that describes the intense, animalistic cruelty of men. Of course there are exceptions in the book, a few flickers of humanity in the cold landscape. It’s not just the book that got me thinking about the hideousness of man, and the power even that gives them. My boyfriend gave me another one of his “men are heartless animals” speeches.

Since the inception of our relationship, he has taken it upon himself to paint me a picture of what men are really like. He claims that it is because he resents the fact that their bad behavior has made his love life more complicated in the past. I finally asked him the question that has nagged me, as he spoke about the way men only want to use me. I asked him if he really thought that he was the only man who could care for me. If every other man just wanted a piece of ass, and saw me as nothing more. He snorted and told me he was sure some men would actually want to be with me, but they would want to fuck me first.

After three and a half years with this man, I will give him the benefit of the doubt. I will believe that he tells me these things, not to try to intimidate me, but to educate me. Why? I still really don’t know. It has been informative though. And I suppose it was the combination of reading vicious stories about the plight of my sisters in the middle east and my boyfriend’s speech that made me begin to think about the grotesque nature of man.

....

One of the most breathtakingly beautiful places I have ever been was not the Caribbean, it was not Mexico, it was not Europe or the Rocky Mountains. The place that truly took my breath away, brought tears to my eyes at the sheer wonder of it all was Iraq.

The beauty of other places is so easy, so effortlessly giving. The beauty amidst desolation; the splendor of the sunsets that painted the rocky horizon deep shades of Orange and Red and Purple; the shock and delight to see lush green surrounding the rivers after coming over yet another dusty hill; these things were gifts and perhaps just due to the contrast and the unbending will of this hard place, I fell in love with it.

I began to think last night that perhaps the species of man is like that harsh unforgiving place. When a man does something out of character:tender, soft, kind, it takes our breath away. The idea that we are desired enough for this selfish creature to change his ways, to be our own, to be gentle, it is enough to make us fall in love. If they are good men, then it will remain beautiful. We will stay captivated by the wonder of the beauty in this naturally ugly thing, we will remain in love with this mysterious being, captivated by him. But when he changes, begins to morph into that which our love is not strong enough to keep him from becoming, when he begins to hurt us; it is the memory and the potential for beauty we once saw that will make us stay. We will stay and stay until he has beaten the love right out of us and we no longer see the sunsets in his eyes, when all we see is the ugliness.

The hideouness of man and the female eye to see beyond it, the intense beauty of a man unlike his barbaric peers, the false hope and the happy endings; these are the stories that live in the war-torn heart of a Woman.

Why are we here?

In my frantic quest for life I have been talking to God a lot. Unfortunately, I have not been able to quite my mind long enough to really listen. Today as I trudged home through the rain I began to question God and even shut-up long enough to listen. Through my questioning, I deduced that the answer to figuring out what to do with your life stems from the question, "why are we here in the first place"? The sole purpose we humans have in God's scheme is love. We are the only creatures with free-will and therefore the capacity to love.

I suppose it makes sense that the one obsession every human shares is the quest for love. The few who do not share these feelings are seen as monsters. We are made in God's likeness, so it stands to reason that He too would have an ingrained desire to create a creature capable of giving love to Him.

At this point, I begin to try to understand the ramifications of this concept, framing it in the only context I know: mine. What do I want from those I love? How do I extend this love to others? This is where I begin to slow down, burdened by my clearly inferior understanding. I suppose that I primarily want those I love to love me back and for them to be happy. When they hurt, I try to ease their pain and find a silver lining. I want others to love them as I do.

I love God, He wants me to be happy, He does not want me to worry because He's got everything under control, He is there to comfort me when thing go wrong and the joy He he puts in my heart shines on those around me. My purpose is to love him back, allow him to guide me through the life my heart has always longed for, and to let the joy that brings inspire and comfort those around me.

It seems too simple to be true. I feel that I am missing something. But this is what He whispered in my ear.

I also need to learn more about what love really is. I wish the purest love I felt was for my spouse, but I am not always unselfish or patient or kind to him. I wish I could say it was for my mother, but I selfishly lean on her for my own comfort. Or for my best friend, which is close to this love, but I still have selfish motives in my dreams for her. No, I think the purest love I have learned to express is for my baby brother. I only want him to be happy and safe. That simple. I don't expect or want anything from him other than the love I already know he has for me. Though this love is effortless for me to give to him, the idea of a God who feels this way about me is incomprehensible.

Perhaps as I come to accept this love and stop waiting to see what string is attached, I will begin to gain the courage to pursue my dreams. Perhaps when I learn to see God's face my own life will come into perspective.