Roller Coaster Climb

Well, my writing has been noticeably non-existent lately. I suppose I just haven't wanted to face my thoughts, or I am simply overwhelmed by the number of thoughts and have not known where to start. That's the bitch about getting behind in anything, whether it's phone calls or deadlines, they always grow to monstrous inconveniences when left to fester to long!

I have also been a bit busy playing house with my ex. It is just so easy to fall back into things, pretending nothing has changed. Well, D. came back from Vegas and I decided to just enjoy the familiar, fun company of my best friend and lover of the last 3 + years. The first week he was back we partied and played and acted as though we were on an extended vacation. The next week I was at Gus's apartment cat sitting. I had him over once, and had plenty of adventures in cat litter and free movies on Roku to keep me occupied.

The following week my brother came out for a visit. It was great to see him and show-off my city, but fate being what it is, I had the freakin' flu the entire time and he was under the weather too. We invited D. out with us a few times as well. It was one evening that week that I decided to go a bit cyber-stalker on his ass. Never a good look on me, but I stumbled upon a message from an online dating service and I was rendered helpless against the subsequent sick curiosity. It was upsetting to see that he was actively "chatting" with women who were not me. It had to start sometime, I guess I have been waiting for that particular hammer to drop for a while now.

My brother headed back to school and I left Gus's apartment and moved back home. Emotionally and physically exhausted, I threw myself back into his arms for the rest of the week. We talked about the "cyber girls" and he said he was just testing the waters. He clearly did not owe me an explanation, but he is incredibly accommodating to my craziness. This weekend he moved all his things out and today he kissed me goodbye and headed back off to the desert for the next six week shoot.

I am now sitting in my newly organized apartment missing him. I tried looking through a few Timeout New York singles profiles, but they just made me miss him more. I am such an extremist: I either crave singlehood or marriage, not much in between. I suppose it is starting to dawn on me that it is not completely up to me whether or not we are together. He is an active party in this dissolution as well. This knowledge is bruising and liberating at the same time.

Control may be comforting, but it also comes with a great deal of pressure. All I can do is sit back and see what happens. The truth of the matter is; we have fun together, we are comfortable together, we know each other like family. On the other hand, I want to be with someone who is totally sold on me and for all his adoration, he is still not completely convinced that I am his end-all-be-all. I also want a man who can take care of himself and this is his time to prove that he can stand on his own two feet. Yes, this is how it has to be. As kind as he is to me, these last few weeks of playing house have made it clear that he has moved on more than I have. I am once again in the position of caring more than he does and that is just not good enough.

I'll tell you what I want; I want to start an amazing career. I want to start building a grown-up life that is challenging and rewarding and exciting. That is the extent of my lust. I have finally gotten to the age where I realize that a man cannot change my life, no man can give me what I truly long for. Once I have the life I desire, then love will come into focus.

So what now? I'll just keep pushing. I am once again playing the wait and see game. I have applications out at NYU and for a new job at ICE. We'll see where that takes me. And yes, I will keep writing, just keep chronicling the inevitable comic tragedies to come! Hey, it's me, and if I know one thing its that I attract a particularly hilarious brand of craziness. I don't think I would have it any other way. No more tears, it is time to laugh like a maniac and hold on tight, cause this roller coaster is just getting started.