Sometimes Life Just Hurts

I have experienced quite a bit of pain in my life, both physical and emotional. When undergoing minor surgery in Iraq without anesthetic, I did not ask the question, "why is this happening to me?" I shrugged off any compassion or questions to this effect with the explanation that maybe it was because I could handle it. Better me with my strong pain threshold than someone less capable of enduring it. This line of reasoning, while not entirely logical, was enough to keep me from slipping into a state of dribbling self-pity.

On Friday, I found out I needed to have my IUD removed. I was nearly in tears before I ever entered the exam room, so this information left me shaking. It hurt, it hurt a lot. It hurt more than it should have, probably due to the surgeries I endured years before. On Friday, while fighting back my tears with all the pride left in my bleeding body, I finally whimpered that question: "Why me?" I wondered why I had to experience all this pain. I was overcome by the pain I had felt over all the years in every stabbing reminder of what had just transpired. I scheduled a date to have the IUD replaced, though I shuddered at the though of going through that agony all over again.

Again unprotected from a pregnancy I knew I did not want, I felt vulnerable. I felt beaten. I heard again all the voices of my superiors in the army taunting me, telling me that I would be the next pathetic soldier to end-up knocked-up and useless. Telling me it was only a matter of time. I heard their voices really telling me that I was a fool to think I could control my destiny or even my body. I felt so angry, so assaulted, so sad.

I went on a lovely date with D Friday night. We had drinks and then dinner at a private little Italian restaurant in the East Village. I had a great time, but then, curled up on the couch with him I felt trapped in between his embrace and my isolation.

I have become deeply independent over the last few months. Part of being independent is being fiercely protective of yourself. When he wrapped his arms around me, my instinct was to become defensive. This reaction was so foreign in the context of our history together that it made me feel sad, angry and vulnerable.

The next day I let down those defenses, those walls I carefully crafted around myself, and had a wonderful day wandering around the city with him. It felt natural again. It was not until Saturday evening that I felt the first stab. Looking at him on the couch next to me, I once again had to fight the tears. He would be leaving the next day. I would go back to my life and he to his. Back to the separate lives we now lead. There are consequences to letting your walls down, they allow both for connection and for pain.

He left today. I went uptown to my EWI event and he jetted off for Las Vegas. The party was a fantastic success, but on my way home I felt the familiar ache I though I had cured myself of. I missed him. Even sitting in the bar, surrounded by my adoring friends who had sustained me all these months, I felt his absence like a knife.

Like my faulty IUD that had to come out, it was time for him to go back to pursuing his dreams and me to mine. Still, I sit in astonishment at the pain; suspecting but not realizing how much it was going to hurt. Wounds heal, defenses can be rebuilt, but these facts to not bring relief to those in the midst of their distress. This time I will not ask the futile question, "Why me?". There is no answer. Sometimes life just hurts.

I guess we have to learn to live with this fact. I am still learning to navigate the world with both a coat of armor and an open heart. I think that to live life avoiding pain at all costs is to lose out on some of the things that make it worth living. The key may be to discern which things those are. Though I may be able to endure the assaults of life on my body and heart, I am also able to accept the joyful moments and pleasures the world offers me.

I will be gentle with my heart and body, protecting them from the unnecessary agonies and nursing them back from all the rest.