God and the Wounded Creature Within

My reaction to my father's email concerned me. He talked about being in God's favor, about God longing for me, about great things coming to me and being willing to have faith and take a risk. My first thought, my knee-jerk reaction, was that I was about to lose everything. Talk about irrational. When I hear I am being blessed with everything, I hear I am about to lose it all.

I opened my palm and let Him hold my hand today. I felt Him kiss my cheeks. Then He said something I had to ask Him to repeat. He told me that he would like to get to know me in the good times, we had been through enough bad.

Here's the thing, I know when I listen to him things turn out for the best, but I don't feel like I have been listening to anything lately. I have felt a bit odd, a bit disconnected. Perhaps it is just a matter of getting to know him outside of the proverbial warzone, perhaps now is the time to get reacquainted on domestic soil.

It's sad that the One who saved me reminds me so much of that which I needed to be saved from that I would flinch at His name. I am realizing that there is a wounded creature that still lurks inside of me, just under the surface.

I am haunted, in my dreams, by a lingering desire to be saved and by the knowledge that no one ever comes. He does though, He always is waiting. In my poor, damaged mind He designed it that way; a manipulative tactic to thrust me into His arms because there is no one else to cling to. Cognitively, I know this is not true. I know that He does not operate that way. That creature though, she looks at Him with wide-eyed mistrust. How did this happen? I have fought this creature my whole life. Seeing Him and realizing who he is, then forgetting all over again. How could I forget? I want to feel badly, but I don’t feel much of anything save a twinge of sadness.

The creature inside of me heard Him say that He is back, not to save me, but to reintroduce himself to me outside of the shadowy world of my despair. She took a step toward Him, still shaking, but intrigued. Could it be true?

I take it back, I do feel something. It isn’t guilt though; it is deep, deep sadness and shock that I am only now seeing this pathetic creature for the first time. Now that I see her, I realize she has been there all along.

Funny, she came out of the shadows again tonight. Someone got too close to my heart. I reeled back with a vicious growl. I keep her well hidden, but I hear her, barring her teeth at the mere idea of someone getting close enough to hurt me. What happened to me that this thing could live inside of me?

I have spent my entire life running headfirst into the heart of anything that frightens me. I loathe the idea of anything having that kind of grip on me. It is only my great faith in myself that allows for my hopeful views of the future. For someone who dreams fearlessly of conquests and mountains to climb, it is funny to see the cynic beneath it all. I am good at dreaming about that which I can control. Hoping for that which I cannot is terrifying. I do believe that is the risk He is asking me to take now.

Things have been so frighteningly beautiful lately. Seeing the life I have always dreamed of, even the pieces I cannot control, coming together; it is petrifying. How could I have all this? I have done nothing to earn it. It is a gift I cannot bring myself to accept.

He is holding his hand out to me, telling me to take a step into the darkness. Who knew the one thing I would fear would be happiness?

In my philosophical musings I have come to accept that nothing lasts forever, and that is shouldn’t. Life is an ever-changing landscape with wonders and beauties of all different kinds to see along the way. It is not meant to be lived standing still. I have also come to accept the fact that as long as my home is in my heart, each scene will be mine, I will not be alone. I suppose that the next step is living these ideals; believing in the beauty, the goodness and the joy of life.

Now is the time to stop waiting for the “other shoe to drop”. It is time to let go of the fear and accept fully the happiness that has been offered to me, even the happiness that I have not earned. It is time to take the biggest risk of my life; accept joy and all the dangers of loss and disappointment that comes along with it. It is time to heal the wounded creature in my heart. It is time to learn to be truly fearless. I suppose it is time to learn to be more like Him. An open heart is a courageous one.

I have tasted perfection. When I let go it feels more like flying than falling. I want to spread my wings. I want to trust Him to not let me crash to the ground. God gave me the gift and the responsibility of an open heart. Imagine the possibilities if I open it up all the way. Imagine what love like that could do. It could light up a city.

I hear him now whispering, "Trust Me"...

"Perfect" is the Scariest Word in the English Language

This week has been good, very good. It has been ever so slightly scary.

I have been watching the pieces come together, found answers and clarity. The cynic in me says it's too good to be true.

My father wrote me an e-mail today:

I have been praying for you a lot and sense God’s favor is resting on you right now. As you move out in faith, the Lord is going to give you the land your foot rests upon. I’m not sure what that all means, but He longs intensely for you and desires your attention. So, give heed to His voice whenever you sense it and ask Him where you are to step, so that His grace goes before you into the land. I think some things are breaking loose, so be ready for some positive changes and walk boldly into them. Faith is spelled R-I-S-K

I wonder if this means I should "risk" believing that it is possible. I wonder when believing in the good in life became so hard to do.

I know life is not perfect, so when it feels like it's getting too close, I pull myself back. I don't want to be disappointed. Not in people, not in life, not in God. I would say I take the coward's way out by just dismissing any desire I cannot acquire for myself. I think it is more of a survival technique than cowardice though.

It may be time for me to stop surviving and just live fearlessly. Love and dream and hope without inhibition. I'm learning. Aren't I always?

Today has been hard. Despite the beautiful life around me, my brother's struggles brought out an unexpected rage in me. The anger made me start questioning all the good, believing the easier version of the truth where everything falls apart.

Thing is, nothing is made to last forever and that's okay. Things could be beautiful forever without them being the same. I think if they did stay the same, they would lose their wonder.

Yes. I am going to try to believe that life can be perfectly, divinely beautiful. I am going to try to believe that God is willing to give that to me. By now I should know that he gives me gifts I could not have imagined for myself. I once read that desire and longing are the lifeblood of the soul. I want to live, even if it hurts sometimes. Life is too long to hold onto pain and too short not to risk it.

Hearts heal, regrets last forever: here goes nothing!

Deja Vu and Impossible Memories

Deja Vu is a fleeting phenomenon for most, a mere moment of familiarity. The haunting I feel is more than a fleeting sense of remembrance, it is almost as though I have memories and a homesickness for a time before I ever existed.

I have always felt a longing for the past, watching films from bygone eras and feeling an uncanny sentimental ache. As I have grown older and begun to seek out vintage clothing and mid century modern decor, the feeling of comfort these items evoke is almost unnerving.

Walking through the booths of fading objects in the flea market I feel as though I am looking at my own belongings from another life. The romance and intensity of the
40's, the class and pride of 50's and the moments quivering between the traditions of the past and the tumultuous future of the early 60's, these are the times I "remember".

I am not lost in the 21st century, I am capable and unafraid, but these "memories", this sense of deja vu, what do they mean?

I don't believe in reincarnation, but the soul is a mysterious thing, unencumbered by the laws of time and space, it gives me reason to pause and wonder.

I have always been so much older, always felt a bit out of place. I wonder if my soul is a bit older than my body, if God in all his infinite wisdom created me before my time. All I know is that this seemingly insane line of reasoning feels like the most authentic explanation I have found for my old soul and my impossible memories. I suppose the only question is, why? As I have stumbled upon my "past" I suppose the answer to that question will present itself in it's own time as well.

Believing that the comfort and belonging I feel as I look at objects of the past is real and not just romantic notions gives me a sense of peace. Perhaps deja vu is merely glimpses of the present, past and future as our souls see them, as God sees them, as simultaneous, as layers rather than one long line. This makes me feel small, and makes me grateful that I have a God bigger than the bounds of this world.

Why are we here?

In my frantic quest for life I have been talking to God a lot. Unfortunately, I have not been able to quite my mind long enough to really listen. Today as I trudged home through the rain I began to question God and even shut-up long enough to listen. Through my questioning, I deduced that the answer to figuring out what to do with your life stems from the question, "why are we here in the first place"? The sole purpose we humans have in God's scheme is love. We are the only creatures with free-will and therefore the capacity to love.

I suppose it makes sense that the one obsession every human shares is the quest for love. The few who do not share these feelings are seen as monsters. We are made in God's likeness, so it stands to reason that He too would have an ingrained desire to create a creature capable of giving love to Him.

At this point, I begin to try to understand the ramifications of this concept, framing it in the only context I know: mine. What do I want from those I love? How do I extend this love to others? This is where I begin to slow down, burdened by my clearly inferior understanding. I suppose that I primarily want those I love to love me back and for them to be happy. When they hurt, I try to ease their pain and find a silver lining. I want others to love them as I do.

I love God, He wants me to be happy, He does not want me to worry because He's got everything under control, He is there to comfort me when thing go wrong and the joy He he puts in my heart shines on those around me. My purpose is to love him back, allow him to guide me through the life my heart has always longed for, and to let the joy that brings inspire and comfort those around me.

It seems too simple to be true. I feel that I am missing something. But this is what He whispered in my ear.

I also need to learn more about what love really is. I wish the purest love I felt was for my spouse, but I am not always unselfish or patient or kind to him. I wish I could say it was for my mother, but I selfishly lean on her for my own comfort. Or for my best friend, which is close to this love, but I still have selfish motives in my dreams for her. No, I think the purest love I have learned to express is for my baby brother. I only want him to be happy and safe. That simple. I don't expect or want anything from him other than the love I already know he has for me. Though this love is effortless for me to give to him, the idea of a God who feels this way about me is incomprehensible.

Perhaps as I come to accept this love and stop waiting to see what string is attached, I will begin to gain the courage to pursue my dreams. Perhaps when I learn to see God's face my own life will come into perspective.