When I Grow Old

I guess I have gotten to the age where I no longer say, "when I grow-up", now I think instead about how I want to grow old.

I had a vision of what I would like that to look like yesterday. Jo and I picked up our CSA produce share on 14th Street and met up with Em for a quick drink in an outdoor garden in the East Village. Em proceeded to lead us through the Japanese market, gathering exotic ingredients and a few beautiful squid. From there we wandered over to a fantastic Spanish wine shop Tinto Fino on our way to Kaitlin's apartment. We spent the evening cooking our bounty, sipping our wine and laughing together on Kaitlin's terrace.

Kaitlin rushed off to a date and we proceeded back up to the village for a nightcap. We mused, waxed philosophical and reminisced for a bit before heading back out into the warm summer evening to make our way home. I looked at my amazing girls, listened to the sound of their voices dancing around me and smiled.

I could spend my days this way. Cooking, sharing, living each meal like an event. I think I would like to have nightly dinner parties. Smaller ones during the week, with one or two good friends and endless interesting conversation. I would have larger ones too, the classic dinner parties from my grandparents' era, right down to cocktail hour and after dinner drinks.

I am collecting phenomenal people, they will fill my life like chotchkies fill the homes of old Midwestern women. I have learned that good friends are the most valuable thing one can aspire to have in their life. People are interesting, they are important, and contrary to popular belief, relationships must be cultivated like a garden. It is worth the effort, in the end it makes all the difference. Children grow-up and leave, sometimes husbands do too! Friends, when cared for and tended to, they can last forever.

Yes, I had a vision of a beautiful old woman last night. She has a full, beautiful life, stories of a life well lived and the warmth of love rendering her face luminescent. That is who I want to be when I grow old.

Courting the Oven

I have likened cooking and sex before in this blog. I see them as our most basic, visceral pleasures. I suppose it stands to reason then that my interest in both has wained at the moment. I think this is due to another similarity between these beautiful things: the intimacy.

I have these thoughts bouncing around this morning because I have a cooking event coming up tomorrow night. Since "the break-up", I have not touched my stove. My appetite has returned (thank you PMS) but I have not been able to bring myself to cook. Cooking is such a beautiful, lively, exuberant thing for me. It seems that lately it has felt as inappropriate as intercourse!

The theme of this dinner party is "Favorite Ingredients". This is a challenge on my best day, there are so many things I adore! My two favorite things, in this order, are vegetables and pork! Delicate, fulfilling and under appreciated and utter decadence! I want to highlight nature's bounty: mushrooms or brussel sprouts or artichokes or spinach or collard greens, mmm! I must say though, there is very little that a few crumbles of bacon doesn't enhance.

The other challenge is a new member of our little group, a vegetarian. Many are outraged at her stance and think me mad for allowing it. Yes, my group is a passionate one! She happens to be one of the guests tomorrow, and though she insists that we cook what we like, I do feel a bit obligated to cater to her. The outrage of the group is beginning to make more sense! It is the fact that I adore vegetables that makes me feel pressure to defend her. I just didn't think about the fact that I enjoy adding the swine to most of my veggies. Hmm. Well, inspiration don't fail me now!

I just can't get into it, I was reading recipes last night (food porn) and just kept thinking, egh. The harder I try, the stronger my mental block becomes. My most recent obsession is beets, but I have been hard pressed to find one in it's natural state. Besides, I want to "wow" people with the lushness vegetables are capable of! I want people to see them as I do; as beautiful and filled with a simple, lusty decadence all their own. I suppose that may be my problem, I am still trying to coax myself back into that very state!

Well, I am on my way. My beautiful city smiled down at me yesterday, I have Dean Martin crooning to me on Pandora (while my sad record player looks on in horror!), the familiar sense of excitement is returning to my mornings and the usual sly smile is playing on my lips at this very moment! It will come to me. I will don my pearls and some semblance of my summer vintage wardrobe, go out into my city and let it come to me.

If not, I suppose I could re-work one of my classics; stuffed braised artichokes, stuffed mushrooms, eggplant Parmesan stacks, spinach-tomato-garlic pizza. I really want to do something new! Create something amazing....

I think I have a back-up plan though, I will perfect a classic. I can make eggplant Parmesan sliders. I will saute beautiful little slices of fresh bread, top them with the parm and slice them into lovely bites. Perhaps not the most original idea, but I swear, they could make even the most vigilant carnivore question his ideals! Yes, perhaps that is what I will do.

There are more dinner parties to come, countless dishes to be created, life is long and I have plenty of time. You can't rush inspiration anymore than you can turn the clock forward or back. For now, I will relax in the knowledge that spring comes after winter every year and I can see glimpses of new growth even now.

Wrap-up of Week One

Quite a start if I do say so! I worked-out almost every day and lost 4 lbs, gaining 3 back over the weekend :..( I tried a new recipe and now know how to make Cannoli shells, if not the filling. I had a party, went out for drinks, met 10 new people and have been writing every day. I said yes to life this week and the results have been staggering. I am not losing site of my other goal though, trying to figure out my next career move. Though I am embracing life now, I always keep one eye on the horizon.

I suppose I should talk about the party. It ended up being nine of us in out strange motley crew! We have two paralegals, one lawyer, two finance guys, two lucky ladies in publishing, one gal whose job I just can't remember and Me. We are all in our mid to late twenties/ early thirties and we love to eat. I would say 7 out of 9 love to cook as well, though no one has a culinary degree. We all find our passion for the edible to be our salvation from the mundane realities and disappointments of our lives. One of the lovely publishing girls came up with our name, a name that falls just shy of pretension into the silly and ironic: Eating With Impunity (EWI for short)!

We EWI members sat and drank ten bottles of wine, laughed and shouted, and finally ended-up at an after party of sorts at the finance guys' loft. We were there to see the space and help him make fried risotto. K my co-founder, began snapping pictures and it was a great time! Looking at the pictures, I saw that I loomed about the other women. At first feeling quite amazonian, I began to smile. There I was with my pearls and red lipstick, boisterous and larger than life: I felt just like Julia! It didn't matter that I did not look petite or the thinnest of the girls, I was channeling my hero, a woman who was loved and adored for her vibrance and not her dress size. I probably sound a bit foolish, seeing as this "amazon" is only a size 4, but it is all relative, and this is New York!

My how things change! One week ago I was house sitting in the West Village, trying to figure out how to make my life more passionate, more full of laughter, more full of people and parties and new experiences. I shot for my eight weekly goals (I so hate that it is not a more rounded number, like 10!) and I tried to approach everything as an adventure or a story. It has been a bit exhausting, but strangely easy. Who knew my experiment would begin working so fast! I am well on my way to the life I want right now, but I am still in the dark about what to do next, I guess you can't expect to have it all in only one week.


Week One Goal List:
1. Daily Workout- 6 days
2. New Recipe - Fat Free Cannoli
3. New Writing- Blogger Article: cooking and cunnilingus
4. Dinner Party - EWI party
5. Social Event - Drinks with K.
6. New Connection - K. and the EWI's
7. New NYC Experience - Hell's Kitchen Flea Market
8. One Yes instead of No - I honestly don't think I made this one this week

Day 5

Yesterday was interesting. I was a bit more bitter at work, thinking about our eminent pay-cut meeting and unfruitful looking for other jobs on craigslist, but other than that, it was a pretty good day. After the weekly Boss-induced Friday heart attack (She waits until her bus to the hamptons is departing and then finds important things to work on, while I work like crazy to get her packed, out the door and at the same time finish typing the document she is working on), I made my grocery list and headed to meet my fellow type-a foodie.

She was not there when I arrived or after my first glass of wine, and I began to wonder if I had fallen victim to some deranged internet predator who would make plans with people and then stand them up! Well, she actually called the bar, God-bless her, to let me know that she was on her way. She turned out to be a total doll! I would assume close to my age, classic style, pretty and hates her job as much as I hate mine. To steal the line: "I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship!"

The Foodie Club party is on! There are several different directions it could go, more cooking or more eating, celebrity chefs coming to speak ect. OOOOH! I just had a great idea! I can't blog it here though! If we can find a way to turn this club into a business, we could both escape our silly starter-jobs.

After drinks I staggered down to the Trader Joe's and Food emporium and drunkenly spend a small fortune on food. I am all set for the Cannoli challenge though! I also agreed, just this morning to meet a friend of my mom's friend to discuss law school, a yes I would normally have said no to: Check. All I have left to do this week is to actually make the Cannoli and to do something New Yorkie.

Let's see where life takes me today!

Though my job is on the rocks and there are no new prospects in sight, though I still have no idea what to do with my life, perhaps with passion as my compass, this may turn out to be a great year!

Faux Cooking in a Fast Food Nation

I was reading a post on the blog Bitten and one from the New York Times about the effects of the recession and of food television on the amount of home cooking in America. It seems that there has not been much of an effect at all. Instead of eating-out, people are "taking-out" from grocery and convenience stores. Prepared foods that simply need to be eaten or heated.

This is an interesting phenomenon. I saw an astounding commercial the other day for a family sized microwavable lasagna. It seems that people now equate baking a frozen pizza or zapping a pre-made pot roast as cooking! I admit, I use pre-made pizza crust and gasp! frozen vegetables, but I take the time to craft a healthy meal that requires cooking or at least the combination of ingredients with these convenience foods. What happened to creating a meal? Have people in America really forgotten how to cook?

I suppose I began slowly, making salads and quick pastas in my first home, but I quickly fell in love with the craft. It was my desire to lose weight and eat healthier that got me started. It costs me as much to cook as to go out. New York groceries are nightmarishly pricey. The satisfaction is so much fuller though.

Creating and then consuming, rather than just eating is a truly nourishing experience. I wonder what it would take to convince people that it is worth the extra time. I find that coming home after a long day, stopping at the market and then cooking dinner is the best way to wind down. It is the transition from work to home, into a state of relaxation. All the irritations and frustrations can be forgotten as you focus on the task at hand. Maybe people would need less therapy if they simply came home and engaged in the natural and fulfilling acts of baking or sauteing!

As I wrote earlier this week, the most natural pleasures we have are food and sex. Well, the preparation of food is foreplay for eating. After indulging in a meal artfully prepared and lighter than the fried crap you can heat and eat, there might just be enough energy and relaxation left over for a romp in the bedroom. Perhaps this is the secret to the infamous French sensuality, the true enjoyment of food and sex and life. Not always quick and easy, but richer and more beautiful.

Cooking and Cunnilingus

I realized the other night, after a positively spot on oral performance on the heels of a divine meal, creating a great meal and a great romp between the sheets are more similar than not. As I see it there are only a few reasons to do either: to satisfy someone you care about or to show-off. I know, I know; what about pleasing yourself? Well, hopefully you are not doing it unless you enjoy it, and if you are, then that is an entirely different subject. Truth is, most of us enjoy sex and enjoy a good meal, but if you are the one crafting and not merely feasting, then there is addition motive, thus the caring vs. showing-off scenario.

When creating a memorable dish, you need to layer flavors and textures to create interest. Take the seemingly boring hamburger. A succulent intriguingly seasoned burger topped with the finest condiments can blow your mind. Likewise, oral sex can be a “slurp and burp” (that was the grossest saying I could think of!) or it can be practically a religious experience. It can and must be catered to your partner’s particular taste.

Catering to people is something I am alarmingly good at, too good sometimes in fact. The truth is I need a muse. When I am alone I tend to cook basic healthy staples. The magic and variety usually goes out the window. I like the challenge of creating a meal with someone else’s particular likes and dislikes in mind. I prefer vegetables to meat and there is almost nothing I won’t eat, so my tastes rarely narrow anything down! Don’t get me wrong, I love food, love it, but I have a hard time bringing myself to create a masterpiece when it is only me I am cooking for. I also am one of those women who actually enjoy giving head. I guess there is something about doing something you are good at, exactly the way someone else likes it, that gives me a sense of satisfaction.

On the subject of head: I name my moves. Yes, I am a silly girl. But honestly when I am working my magic it helps to visualize. There are typical ones- corkscrew ice-cream cone and more exotic ones- the head nibble waterfall. Hey, the names could potentially help your silly man remember his favs and coach you on what he wants on an evening when you really just want to “get-in and get-out”. This theory hasn’t worked so well for me so far because the last thing he is doing is paying attention to my asinine names post-coital. They still please me and allow me to bask in the glow of my awesomeness a bit longer. Yes, I am a show-off, but I would also like to think that I am a caring, giving person; perhaps a hybrid of the two aforementioned categories of cooks and cocksuckers.

I forgot where I was going with this except that I gain the same carnal pleasure from cooking a great dish and giving a wicked blow-job. I have the same visceral passion for food and sex. These happen to be the two subjects I could go on and on about all day. I suppose that in these two arenas you must have passion and the only rule of thumb is to make it enjoyable. It is expression. Food and sex are art that must be shared, must be consumed to be appreciated. I am tired of people criminalizing these joys.

I think that the most natural pleasures in like are sex and food, and the most unnatural is money. Hell, we can’t live without food and we are created to come together with each other. Money is a means to an end, but it seems like it is the only acceptable obsession anymore. Hell, money in and of itself is boring. Yes, food can make you fat. Yes, sex can give you a disease. But to truly appreciate either you must respect it. If you respect food you will enjoy it without shoveling garbage in your mouth. If you respect sex you will be safe and respectful of your partner(s). Wars are not started over cuisine or cunnilingus. Perhaps if we embraced these pleasures more fully and openly there would be less repressed anger exploding around us. I digress, I did not start out to get all preachy, I just wanted to share my love for the “organic pleasures” of life and the connection I see between the two. Think about the art of it all next time you are whipping up a meal or taking your lover between your lips. Bon appétit!

The Experiment

August 2, 2009

I have been moving around my entire adult life. In the military and after, I have been searching for home. I have ended up, like so many before me, in New York City. I am approaching my one year mark and I still feel a bit like I am outside looking-in. being in a relationship can do this as well, you are comfortable in each other’s company and therefore do not venture out as much as you might if left to your own devices.

My boyfriend of the last three years is in Las Vegas, working on a television show for the next 5 weeks. After he comes home and starts making more money he is planning on moving out of our home and getting his own place. There is nothing wrong with our relationship, per se, but he feels the need to get out on his own. He has felt this way for awhile, but I am now amenable to this idea. You see, we don’t fight anymore. We get along great and truly love each other, but with the fights went some of our passion. There is nothing wrong, but there is something not right as well. He, being a man, wants it all: his own place and a devoted woman. This may very well work, but it also may not. His 5 week absence will serve as a good preview of what my life will be like having someone without the daily comforts of our shared routine. This brings me to my experiment.

Well, I am about to embark on an experiment to see if I can change my life and find out what I truly want in the process. You see, when you are in a relationship you tend to start thinking in terms of what he wants or what we want. You should, but in the process, I have forgotten some of the things I want. I am 25, a military veteran, a college graduate and an utterly lost executive assistant, I need to find out what it is I am still longing for. I don’t know if I should go to Law School to make the big bucks, go for a Journalism MA so I can write and get paid for it, find a job where I can meet interesting people and travel the world (does that exist?), basically what I should do to get from the life I am living now to the life I want. I am also lonely.

I have set several weekly goals for myself: one new recipe, 5-6 workouts, one dinner party, one new piece of writing, one NYC experience and one social connection per week. These may seem small and silly, but they all have purposes centered around my passions, and what better roadmap for life can one have but their passions? One new recipe: I love cooking, but typically only create grand meals if there is someone else enjoying them. 5-6 workouts: I am in New York and why not focus on getting thin and sexy while my time is my own (I also have gained a ghastly 8 pounds and need to shave them off)? One dinner party: this is a combination of my love of cooking and the fact that I promised some friends from work I would put it together, I am likely to flake-out on these types of ideas and that needs to change! One new piece of writing: If I want to be a writer, I need to write. One NYC experience: it is high time I start taking advantage of the magically city I give most of my paycheck to live in, also a great way to meet people. One social connection: I love people, but am terrible at making new friends, if I am to have the life I want, I must meet and foster new relationships. So, there it is. Can I craft a life full of friends, adventure, passion and excitement on the salary of an executive assistant in only 5 weeks, oh, and figure out what to do with my life? I am about to find out.

Week 1:

Game Plan- Check
Writing- Check