New York cried for me today. She cried tears I could not muster. It was wet and sad, but I barely felt it as I walked home with no umbrella in hand. Perhaps it was the warmth of the wine, but I feel that it was more than that. It was like the numb, sad feelings I have been carrying with me all week. The anonymous, sad little face that haunts me from time to time has been replaced with the sad, broken faces of my new clientele. The young veteran living in a homeless shelter, the older Vietnam vet desperately asking for help, my brother's sad voice; these have replaced the anonymous sad face in my heart.
My new job is hard. Not technically, technically it is idiotically simple, making me feel like a faceless cog in a machine. No, it is hard to see sick, dying and desperate people all day. Especially hard with an alcoholic brother and demented grandfather always in the back of my mind. A means to an end, plenty of leave, promotion potential; these are my mantras.
I don't mean to complain. It is getting better, getting easier. It is nice to at least give an ear to those so desperately in need of one. I am just a bit sad today. Sad for my baby brother, sad for my grieving mother and a little bit sad for me. I still have not found the tears though. This brings me back to my city. She did not pelt me with freezing rain, simply showered me with unexpected sympathy. She did what I am not able to do. She cried softly.
Still no word from NYU. I'm glad. Today is not the day for good news. Perhaps tomorrow I will smile, perhaps tomorrow I will be ready to celebrate. For today I will gratefully accept the compassion of my city, today I will morn. 12 hours of work down, another two days to go. One day at a time. Tomorrow will be brighter, tonight I will let the tears of New York lull me to sleep.
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Getting my Life Back and the Sad Little Face
Surprisingly D has only been home for 3 weeks. Knowing that makes me feel less terrible about the fact that I am only just starting to feel my life coming back together. I carved-out a rather nice life for myself while he was away, and for the first time I am feeling like he can fit into it.
The great weekend we had, the time together and the time apart, felt normal. I am excited about my weeks again and filling my weeks with adventures. This week I am taking him to a Bar game show night, possibly to the Free MoMa Friday and then possibly curling-up and relaxing on Saturday. Sunday I have an EWI dinner in Flushing, next Monday I am having dinner with a girlfriend and an editor from Savour, I have Beard on Books next week, the Brooklyn Kitchen book club and a bread baking class next month, whew! I'm baaaack.
I feel like I am me again, with him. Don't get me wrong, I curse him every time I put away laundry and his pile is bigger than mine, but it is nice to have someone to run around the city with.
It was a hard week last week. Not only with work, but with my family. My brother's struggles absolutely break my heart, and my mother's agony over it and her father makes me cringe. It is more of a heavy frown on my face and heart than an active pain. It feels heavy and sad, but I can't feel anymore than that, there are no tears, no fits of anger, just the heavy face. Just the reality of the sadness of the situation looking at me from inside. I wish I could cry or something, but I can't, it is content to just sit there and be. Nothing I can do to help, nothing I can do to fix, nothing I can do to protect. Just a sad face staring out at a sad, hurting family that it cannot touch.
That is my little family. The one being tossed side to side in a storm. I suppose I feel guilty for not being in the dangerous boat with them. It makes me sad, but I cannot feel anything. My mother's tears for her Daddy and her son, My brother's retreat and deep, deep sorrow. These are the two people I love most dearly in the world. These are the two my life would be destroyed without, so why do I feel nothing? Why is there just a heavy sad face looking out at their struggles? I suppose I will figure it out eventually.
I don't know, but at least I feel like I am wrapping my arms back around my own life, embracing my sad little face, and my joyful adventure seeking, and my bi-polar work weeks. All I can do for now is hold-on tight and try to enjoy the ride.
The great weekend we had, the time together and the time apart, felt normal. I am excited about my weeks again and filling my weeks with adventures. This week I am taking him to a Bar game show night, possibly to the Free MoMa Friday and then possibly curling-up and relaxing on Saturday. Sunday I have an EWI dinner in Flushing, next Monday I am having dinner with a girlfriend and an editor from Savour, I have Beard on Books next week, the Brooklyn Kitchen book club and a bread baking class next month, whew! I'm baaaack.
I feel like I am me again, with him. Don't get me wrong, I curse him every time I put away laundry and his pile is bigger than mine, but it is nice to have someone to run around the city with.
It was a hard week last week. Not only with work, but with my family. My brother's struggles absolutely break my heart, and my mother's agony over it and her father makes me cringe. It is more of a heavy frown on my face and heart than an active pain. It feels heavy and sad, but I can't feel anymore than that, there are no tears, no fits of anger, just the heavy face. Just the reality of the sadness of the situation looking at me from inside. I wish I could cry or something, but I can't, it is content to just sit there and be. Nothing I can do to help, nothing I can do to fix, nothing I can do to protect. Just a sad face staring out at a sad, hurting family that it cannot touch.
That is my little family. The one being tossed side to side in a storm. I suppose I feel guilty for not being in the dangerous boat with them. It makes me sad, but I cannot feel anything. My mother's tears for her Daddy and her son, My brother's retreat and deep, deep sorrow. These are the two people I love most dearly in the world. These are the two my life would be destroyed without, so why do I feel nothing? Why is there just a heavy sad face looking out at their struggles? I suppose I will figure it out eventually.
I don't know, but at least I feel like I am wrapping my arms back around my own life, embracing my sad little face, and my joyful adventure seeking, and my bi-polar work weeks. All I can do for now is hold-on tight and try to enjoy the ride.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Help! I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!
I am sitting at the bottom of the proverbial well. Tired, bored, dejected, gazing up at the spot of light that I remember as my happy life. The one thought booming in my mind is "Why?"
I have been getting lower and lower the last couple days and now I am decidedly down. I pray I can just blame this on PMS, but that begs the question- why haven't I felt this way the last few periods? The worst part may be the not knowing or understanding. As I have gotten older, have I also crawled onto the denial train? Am I too afraid to see what's the matter?
I missed my workouts yesterday and today, I feel 500 pounds, but more troubling still is the sense of apathy and bleak tomorrows. I hate it when I feel this way. It came so quickly. I was feeling on top of the world, excited about tomorrow and today, happy with my daily debacles. From my dark hole I wonder how anything seemed interesting or exciting before. I just want to cry. I want to cry because I can't find any good broker's to make my apartment hunt easier. I want to cry because my boss is being a bitch and I can't just walk out. I want to cry because my tummy is puffy. I want to cry and run away because my Aunt is coming in two days and my 3 year anniversary is in three days. I want to cry and cry and cry and then kick something.
Oddly, my tirade here reminds me of a tirade I may have had last month... hmm.. I will have to go back and see. I hope it is just PMS. I am just so tired and I have so many things on my mind. I am worried about me and D. I think that is what I don't want to look at, don't even want to speak. I hope it is just PMS. I just don't want to think anymore, but I do want to know what changed. What made me so happy and alive before and what is missing that I feel so dead inside now?
Help Me! Help Me! I have fallen into an ugly pit of anger and sorrow and BITCHINESS! And I really don't know if I can get up.
I have been getting lower and lower the last couple days and now I am decidedly down. I pray I can just blame this on PMS, but that begs the question- why haven't I felt this way the last few periods? The worst part may be the not knowing or understanding. As I have gotten older, have I also crawled onto the denial train? Am I too afraid to see what's the matter?
I missed my workouts yesterday and today, I feel 500 pounds, but more troubling still is the sense of apathy and bleak tomorrows. I hate it when I feel this way. It came so quickly. I was feeling on top of the world, excited about tomorrow and today, happy with my daily debacles. From my dark hole I wonder how anything seemed interesting or exciting before. I just want to cry. I want to cry because I can't find any good broker's to make my apartment hunt easier. I want to cry because my boss is being a bitch and I can't just walk out. I want to cry because my tummy is puffy. I want to cry and run away because my Aunt is coming in two days and my 3 year anniversary is in three days. I want to cry and cry and cry and then kick something.
Oddly, my tirade here reminds me of a tirade I may have had last month... hmm.. I will have to go back and see. I hope it is just PMS. I am just so tired and I have so many things on my mind. I am worried about me and D. I think that is what I don't want to look at, don't even want to speak. I hope it is just PMS. I just don't want to think anymore, but I do want to know what changed. What made me so happy and alive before and what is missing that I feel so dead inside now?
Help Me! Help Me! I have fallen into an ugly pit of anger and sorrow and BITCHINESS! And I really don't know if I can get up.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Hitting a Wall
Just when I was sure that things couldn't get any easier, week two went and knocked me on my ass! I have been missing postings, missing workouts and feeling utterly exhausted! I kind of feel like I am failing, backsliding this week.
To get some perspective I looked at my calendar from the last two weeks.
During week one: I was pretty good about working out, I started a food group, had drinks with my co-founder, the first meeting of the Foodie Club (EWI), the Cannoli experiment and a good Trader Joe's run.
This week: I have missed workouts several days, my blogging has been inconsistent, I am trying to plan the next EWI meeting on Sunday, I had dinner with Gussie, am having drinks with her tonight, went to the CUNY mixer and a Freelance class, I'm walking to Chinatown tomorrow and attempting to make homemade pasta and scallops on Saturday night.
I guess I have been busy, but it just doesn't feel as good. I wonder why. I am house sitting in the West Village this weekend, and that apartment always inspires me to write, hell it inspired me to start The Experiment, I think writing and re-focusing will be good. This experience is meant to push me, propel me, inspire me into the life I want and create some clarity as to what direction I should let my future take. I am feeling pretty lost and a little beaten down this week, but I guess I am still following the goals.
My wonderful, amazing boyfriend sent me a nice surprise in the mail: casino winning from Vegas. He was so excited to give it to me and to hear my reaction. Someone decided that they needed the money more and stole it right out of the sweet card, stuffing the mangled greeting back into a priority envelope. To hear the hurt and disappointment in D.'s voice was almost more than I could bear! It's just money, it would have been a really nice perk after the pay cuts and frustrations this week, but I am really trying to not let this upset me. I know it always comes back in one way or another, but for some reason it makes me so so sad. I have been ugly and bitter at work this week, and that makes me sad. I don't know what to do with my life and that makes me sad. All the joy of The Experiment is taking a beating this week and I am desperate to get it back!
It is my life and I choose passion and joy and adventure! That is my mantra and no one can take those things away unless I let them. I am going to continue to chant and push on through. I still have two and a half days to meet my goals for week 2 and to take back the smile that is rightfully mine.
To get some perspective I looked at my calendar from the last two weeks.
During week one: I was pretty good about working out, I started a food group, had drinks with my co-founder, the first meeting of the Foodie Club (EWI), the Cannoli experiment and a good Trader Joe's run.
This week: I have missed workouts several days, my blogging has been inconsistent, I am trying to plan the next EWI meeting on Sunday, I had dinner with Gussie, am having drinks with her tonight, went to the CUNY mixer and a Freelance class, I'm walking to Chinatown tomorrow and attempting to make homemade pasta and scallops on Saturday night.
I guess I have been busy, but it just doesn't feel as good. I wonder why. I am house sitting in the West Village this weekend, and that apartment always inspires me to write, hell it inspired me to start The Experiment, I think writing and re-focusing will be good. This experience is meant to push me, propel me, inspire me into the life I want and create some clarity as to what direction I should let my future take. I am feeling pretty lost and a little beaten down this week, but I guess I am still following the goals.
My wonderful, amazing boyfriend sent me a nice surprise in the mail: casino winning from Vegas. He was so excited to give it to me and to hear my reaction. Someone decided that they needed the money more and stole it right out of the sweet card, stuffing the mangled greeting back into a priority envelope. To hear the hurt and disappointment in D.'s voice was almost more than I could bear! It's just money, it would have been a really nice perk after the pay cuts and frustrations this week, but I am really trying to not let this upset me. I know it always comes back in one way or another, but for some reason it makes me so so sad. I have been ugly and bitter at work this week, and that makes me sad. I don't know what to do with my life and that makes me sad. All the joy of The Experiment is taking a beating this week and I am desperate to get it back!
It is my life and I choose passion and joy and adventure! That is my mantra and no one can take those things away unless I let them. I am going to continue to chant and push on through. I still have two and a half days to meet my goals for week 2 and to take back the smile that is rightfully mine.
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