New York cried for me today. She cried tears I could not muster. It was wet and sad, but I barely felt it as I walked home with no umbrella in hand. Perhaps it was the warmth of the wine, but I feel that it was more than that. It was like the numb, sad feelings I have been carrying with me all week. The anonymous, sad little face that haunts me from time to time has been replaced with the sad, broken faces of my new clientele. The young veteran living in a homeless shelter, the older Vietnam vet desperately asking for help, my brother's sad voice; these have replaced the anonymous sad face in my heart.
My new job is hard. Not technically, technically it is idiotically simple, making me feel like a faceless cog in a machine. No, it is hard to see sick, dying and desperate people all day. Especially hard with an alcoholic brother and demented grandfather always in the back of my mind. A means to an end, plenty of leave, promotion potential; these are my mantras.
I don't mean to complain. It is getting better, getting easier. It is nice to at least give an ear to those so desperately in need of one. I am just a bit sad today. Sad for my baby brother, sad for my grieving mother and a little bit sad for me. I still have not found the tears though. This brings me back to my city. She did not pelt me with freezing rain, simply showered me with unexpected sympathy. She did what I am not able to do. She cried softly.
Still no word from NYU. I'm glad. Today is not the day for good news. Perhaps tomorrow I will smile, perhaps tomorrow I will be ready to celebrate. For today I will gratefully accept the compassion of my city, today I will morn. 12 hours of work down, another two days to go. One day at a time. Tomorrow will be brighter, tonight I will let the tears of New York lull me to sleep.
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