Surprisingly D has only been home for 3 weeks. Knowing that makes me feel less terrible about the fact that I am only just starting to feel my life coming back together. I carved-out a rather nice life for myself while he was away, and for the first time I am feeling like he can fit into it.
The great weekend we had, the time together and the time apart, felt normal. I am excited about my weeks again and filling my weeks with adventures. This week I am taking him to a Bar game show night, possibly to the Free MoMa Friday and then possibly curling-up and relaxing on Saturday. Sunday I have an EWI dinner in Flushing, next Monday I am having dinner with a girlfriend and an editor from Savour, I have Beard on Books next week, the Brooklyn Kitchen book club and a bread baking class next month, whew! I'm baaaack.
I feel like I am me again, with him. Don't get me wrong, I curse him every time I put away laundry and his pile is bigger than mine, but it is nice to have someone to run around the city with.
It was a hard week last week. Not only with work, but with my family. My brother's struggles absolutely break my heart, and my mother's agony over it and her father makes me cringe. It is more of a heavy frown on my face and heart than an active pain. It feels heavy and sad, but I can't feel anymore than that, there are no tears, no fits of anger, just the heavy face. Just the reality of the sadness of the situation looking at me from inside. I wish I could cry or something, but I can't, it is content to just sit there and be. Nothing I can do to help, nothing I can do to fix, nothing I can do to protect. Just a sad face staring out at a sad, hurting family that it cannot touch.
That is my little family. The one being tossed side to side in a storm. I suppose I feel guilty for not being in the dangerous boat with them. It makes me sad, but I cannot feel anything. My mother's tears for her Daddy and her son, My brother's retreat and deep, deep sorrow. These are the two people I love most dearly in the world. These are the two my life would be destroyed without, so why do I feel nothing? Why is there just a heavy sad face looking out at their struggles? I suppose I will figure it out eventually.
I don't know, but at least I feel like I am wrapping my arms back around my own life, embracing my sad little face, and my joyful adventure seeking, and my bi-polar work weeks. All I can do for now is hold-on tight and try to enjoy the ride.
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