Sick Days and Dog Dream Guilt

Here I am, in bed at 1pm on a Wednesday. No, I am not dying, yes, I am feeling ill.

Monday I was feeling under the weather, but because my boss was not around to make me miserable, I made it through the day. Tuesday I debated coming to work, and decided to test myself to see if I was sick or just trying to get out of work (I know I have problems). I got up at 6am for pilates, they made me feel a bit better, so I went in for a half day. I felt guilty leaving early, but I still was feeling a bit run-down. I lounged all day, ate some food, and went to bed at 9:00.

This brings me to this morning, up at 6am for spinning and it seems my head and tummy are already there. I am not well. I weigh myself to find that I have gained 3lbs, true motivation to get to that class! I really can't though, so I crawl back into bed with a whimper and tell myself that there is an evening class if I am up to it.

So far today I have gotten out of bed only to shower and call the office to let them know I will not be joining them, and again about an hour ago when I decided to straighten-up and grab my laptop. Sitting was not the right move, so here I am back in bed.

I really don't know what is wrong with me, nausea and light headaches and overall fatigue. Basically, I don't feel good. I have be raked with guilt over missing some work the last two days. I constantly wonder if I am just being lazy and avoiding a job I hate. Gus tells me I have issues. I tell her we have the same guilt issues, just over different things.

Uggh, it is gorgeous outside too! Going to be 70 today. I really hope I can get out and enjoy it a bit, but right now moving feels pretty bad. Maybe I will eat a plain bagel with a side of Aleive, perhaps that will fix me right up. For some reason I feel like I am not meant to be fixed right up, that this is a time of quiet for me that I have been missing.

I had a dream on Sunday night, a dream I have had before in various forms. I was going somewhere and suddenly realized, in horror, that I had forgotten about my dog. My poor dog had been living in my old house, alone, for a long time. This dog looked like my childhood pet Angel, but was named BabyD like my rottweiler from Ft. Campbell. In fact, the place in the dream looked a bit like the area off of 41A in Hopkinsville, KY. I found the dog and as I stroked it goodbye (apparently I was still leaving) someone said, "It's not good for a dog to be alone so much". The guilt and the sorrow of forgetting and neglecting this creature was overwhelming.

The sorrow lingered as I made my way toward the office on Monday morning. I have had dreams like this before, usually I find a cage under my bed with my old hamsters or guinea pigs in it, and I am shocked to find them alive, wondering if I have forgotten any others. This one was different though. My BabyD was like my child, the sorrow was so deep. What does it mean? What are these dreams really about?

There is something I am forgetting or leaving behind, something I am responsible for, something I love. But I am still leaving. I thought I had finally said goodbye to the South, to my past, to that simple life. I thought I had moved-on and embraced a new life, all my own. What did I forget? Why do I feel so guilty?

I know many people say dreams are just dreams, or that dreams are the subconscious way of working things out and are not to be interpreted. I suppose that this dreams seems different to me because nothing was resolved, the dream keeps coming back, but with greater intensity. It feels more like my subconscious is screaming at me with increasing volume, but I still can't make-out what is being said. Perhaps during my quiet day, in my soft prison of bed, it will come to me. Somehow I doubt it will be that easy.