Running Toward the Light

Every day is going to be easier. I went out with my girlfriend K. yesterday. We had cocktails, and like the good foodies we are, ended-up at Momofuku. We drank OB (Korean Beer) and chowed down on pork buns, himachi and xo scallops. It was so good! It felt so good to enjoy something. Leave it to David Chang to tantalize me.

I am going out with my girl E. tomorrow. Cheap drinks and manicures at Beauty Bar. I worked at RRA tonight and made plans to hang with Gus this weekend. Even if the quiet death catches up with me at night (always my weakest time) I am going to go through the motions and keep slapping on my broken smile.

I am gathering my forces. Spreading my neediness over as many of my girlfriends as possible! I hate being a burden, hopefully this way I don't have to feel to pathetic. Funny though, I seem to be the only one who thinks that I am being weak, everyone else marvels at my stoicism. I suppose that is because they don't see me when I fall apart at the end of the day, they don't have to hear all the whimpering echoing in my brain. Thank God for that.

Note, it is women I am reaching out too. Conversely, I have my defenses on high alert at any man's approach. Even my friends need to keep their distance. The older, wiser Felicia knows all too well how vulnerable I am, and she is going to protect that fleshy pink organ in the center of her chest. It is more than defense though, I am a bit angry. There is no real reason or appropriate target for these feelings. I suppose it is just part of the grieving process, but I have found my undeserving target in the men of the world! The anger and vulnerability I feel makes me recoil from men, makes me want to run when they approach.

I digress, I want to talk about hope. I want to speak into existence the easier tomorrows I anticipate and that I try to bring into being at each morning light. I want to talk about food and friends and the silly comedies that play out in every day moments. That is my light and I am walking toward it.