Drinking to Sober-up

I have been a very naughty girl lately. Midweek cocktails, not eating, smoking like a chimney; the usual behavior when I am doing mental gymnastics. I am like some kind of manic animal, searching high and low, running from the quiet like my life depends on it.

What exactly am I running away from, or toward? That is the question, isn't it? It is as though wires have somehow been crossed in my mind, with the tsunami going on up there, it is really no big surprise. The solace I usually find in the silence has been replaced by a near desperate need to fill it. I play music at work and at home, though I am not spending much time there lately either. Perhaps it was the roaring silence that kept me up all night on Sunday.

I am the type of person who likes to have the answers. I suppose the fact is, I'm overloaded. Like a computer overheating, my mind just has too many variables floating around in it and not enough constants. It is certainly hard to find answers with a combination like that.

Well, my calendar is full, my play list is pumping and I am about as clear as a binge drinker on a particularly gregarious night. What a mess! Focus, Focus, Focus Fi! Through the haze of my mind only one answer slurs out: "I don't know".

I don't know what? Who fucking knows. It is just one of those seasons, they certainly come around with a perplexing irregularity. Maybe when I am ready to face the silence, face the questions, I will find that which I am simultaneously looking for and running from. Until then, I will try to not beat myself up too badly, physically or mentally!

I am full of shit.

I just turned off the music, and there it was. Waiting for me like a cornered tiger preparing to be snared. I know what I am avoiding. It terrifies and confuses me. It is a problem with no good solution and I am just not ready to face it yet. So I am going to turn my music back on, close my eyes, and back slowly out of that room.

Why is it that life won't take care of our biggest conundrums for us? When did life get so damned complicated? My compass is spinning and my heart is turned upside down. No wonder I feel so out of control. Welcome to beautiful 2010, no one said it was going to be easy!