Novocaine

As I navigate this difficult time, the familiar bleak curtain has draped itself over my city, my passions, my life. It is a grotesque feeling, like the numb yet uncomfortable sensation that takes over your mouth after a trip to the dentist.

There are moments when I feel a twinge of pain, like today looking at my finances and thinking about how close we came to getting ahead for once, but mostly it is just a groggy uncomfortable numbness.

I hate feeling this way. No one can touch me when I am in this place, there is no arm long enough to reach through the darkness and comfort me. It is a storm that is weathered in total isolation. That is the part I forgot about, the absolute loneliness in this grief. Ugh! When do I get to start feeling alive again? When will I stop seeing the world through the eyes of the undead?

I am going through the motions: job, club, gym (ok, sometimes gym), but nothing takes the edge off, nothing feels good. I suppose after surgery people feel this way, just part of the recovery process. That thought helps a little. Makes it feel like there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. On the other hand, just like post-op, there is no rushing recovery, and that thought is much less comforting!

Oh, how I loath this pathetic dribble! I want to write about cheese and vintage hunting and silly adventures! I want to bask in my sunshine, in my hope and passion. This is what I was running from. I hate wasting all these precious moments in the dark, rotting prison of death. Nothing is silly right now though, nothing is sunny, nothing is pleasurable. I hate these words even more as write them, even my words have turned on me. As usual, it feels as though the sun will never shine again. This sentiment, these feelings, they disgust me. Yet, I am helpless at this moment to change them. Again, I will brave a broken smile and pray, pray, pray for the sun to come out again.