Birthday Weekend

I am spending my birthday weekend in perhaps the best way possible. There are no big parties, no nights of binge drinking and living it up. I had a nice dinner with my favorite couple in New York last night, came home and went to bed. Today I spent the day drinking bodega coffee, watching youtube videos and relaxing--completely alone.

All my plans and all my friends have fallen through, yet I am fine. I was actually relieved when my plans for tomorrow fell through. I am going to clean my closets and go shopping tomorrow. I am going to savor my alone time in a way I have not been able to for months now. (Or maybe weeks, time gets fuzzy when you are feeling glum!)

I'm ok. Everything is going to be alright. I can sit here and feel.....content. I have nothing to run from or fear, everything is ok.

Now, let's be clear, everything is not perfect! (Is it ever?) I still feel the pain of my loss, but it's ok. I'm ok. I don't need to lose myself in a crowd. Ironically, that never works anyways! I have never felt so alone as when I am running in a sea of people.

Being here and being ok is perhaps the best gift I could receive. I miss him, and that's ok. I am alone tonight, but I will not always be. There are parties and dinners and endless adventures ahead of me. Being content at the end of the day, now that is something to celebrate. I am finding the comfort I never thought I could provide for myself, what an amazing thing.

This is what I have always wanted, though I never thought it possible. My greatest disappointment in myself has always been my need. My need for the comfort of a shared life. I am not saying that I don't still desire that for myself, I do. But to desire something is much different than needing it. I want to be alone right now. I want to be whole and complete with myself. I have always believed that love starts with self-fulfillment, but I suppose I never gave myself the chance to attain that, perhaps I never thought I could.

Tonight, here in my little apartment, I am beginning to feel something growing inside of me. Growing hurts a little, but it also feels good, like the burn of your muscles during a hard workout. It is not pain for nothing, it is purposeful.

It aches, but it is going to be ok. I am going to be so strong. To learn to be whole, you must learn to be alone, which is why it seems so damned perfect to be here on my birthday. I am going to be amazing someday.

Dr. Katz asked me on Friday what made me so happy last summer. I found it difficult to answer her. I spoke about the joy of building something, bringing passion into my life. I spoke about the confidence I felt, but I could not really take credit for that part, it was D who gave me that. See, I loved that feeling, I felt strong, as though I could do anything. I felt as though I had everything I needed and that seemed to make me glow. I felt so beautiful. I was doing things on my own, but I still had the security of love. He was far away, but I belonged to him and it allowed me to live as though there was nothing in the world I needed. I want to have that feeling now, but I want it to be all mine. Thank God for D. He changed my life, as I did his. I will always love him deeply. It is time for me to let go of my security, time to take-off the training wheels and be me, all by myself.

Well, I have less than a day as a 25 year old. I really can't believe I am more than half way through my twenties! What a strange feeling, I feel younger and more in awe of the passing of time as I get older. A great man once said, "I may not be where I want to be, but I thank God I'm not where I was". Life is so long and so short at the same time. I suppose my birthday prayer is that I am able to keep the best parts of myself, to keep close those I love and become the woman I have always wanted to be. Maybe, just maybe, this year I will become a diamond.