If at First You Don't Succeed; Try, Try Again

This week has not been my most successful. DeShon and I had a nice dinner last Monday with the EWI group at Yerba Buena. I met a strange and amusing man who owns and operates a ceviche bar and DeShon seemed to enjoy himself. After that things flat-lined a bit.

Our Sunday cooking event was cancelled, I tried to organize a wine tasting but no one, that's right, no one rsvp'd. I did not go to NJ with DeShon, I did not have drinks with any of my friends from work, I ate like crap and didn't even make a new recipe. Oh, and the apartment hunting was cut short by a bitchy broker who told us that there was nothing out there in our price range, despite their ads to the contrary.

But all was not lost. I discovered a new food at the Brooklyn Atlantic Ave street festival (a boring mess fyi) Arepas! I bought a hat at the vintage flea market, learned how to style my hair 40's style and I finished my law and food applications.

Still, it was not a great week. By Sunday I was feeling a bit depressed and psycho. Unfortunately, I took it out on D because he was there, poor bastard. What can I say? If I am unhappy it is much better for me to be alone. It feels odd being unhappy though, I had gotten to such a bright, positive place and the darkness doesn't suit me. It is hard having him home because it reminds me of the dark place I was in before and I am so afraid of going back.

Shine it on! Resilience is my longest running asset, so I best make use of it now. This week I am going to start it off with a bang! I am going to make Arepas and Spicy Green Pea Soup tonight! I am going to try to have drinks with Gus or MB, I need to study for FSO on Thursday, The Aunt is coming on Friday evening for dinner, the big 3 year anniversary is Saturday so we will be having a New York experience with either a Broadway or Burlesque Show, and there is an EWI cooking event on Sunday night.

Soooo, If all goes well, I will be cooking anew tonight, going for drinks on Tues or Wednes and studying, Going to dinner with Aunt on Friday, hitting the town with D. on Saturday and meeting up with my Foodie Friends on Sunday. Only 2-3 days out of 7 in the house. Not bad. Let's hope it goes well, because I don't think I can handle another bout of cabin fever!

This week I also need to really examine what makes me happy or at least content. I don't want to run from sadness, I want to avoid it all together. Just when you think you have it all figured out... Oh well, It is only week one of the new duo experiment, this is going to be a great week.

It's Not Over Yet!

Well, DeShon returned last week and my life has continued in a somewhat similar way. I tried to start another blog about foods of the world, but something was missing. You see, I don't feel like it's over. He may be back, but the story of my life has not stopped and the experiment feels far from over. These chronicles are about more than my 8 week period of Independence, they are about the evolution of my life.

Really, I feel like my life has been on hold for years. Perhaps this is why the past has had such a stranglehold on my heart. I felt that the greatest adventure of my life was over. The military was where I grew-up and found myself. That was not the end. The experiment has awoken me from my 4 year slumber. I see excitement and adventure on the horizon and all around me, I cherish the past but no longer yearn for it. Let it rest in peace, I have enough life at this moment, I don't need my ghosts. So let the experiment continue! Who knows who I will become!

Week 8: The Last Day

I decided to re-read my first post today. I wanted to see how far I have come in 8 weeks, every good experiment must be evaluated after all! I barely recognize the lonely, dejected woman who set out to craft a new life for herself. The tortuous minutia of struggling through the workday and coming home to watch my shows with no real future in sight was robbing me of myself, turning me into someone else. I feel at peace now, excited about the future, but also happy in the moment. I think it's worth mentioning another beautiful phenomenon, as I have added to my life money has decreased it's staring role in it. Yes I still budget and manage it, but I no long feel the need to talk about it much or even to think about it often. God provides everything I need, and as I have said before; money in and of itself is dreadfully boring! I wrote that I wanted to craft a life of friendship, adventure and passion, and to figure out what direction to steer my future. I set six weekly goals for myself to this end: One new recipe, daily workouts, one dinner party or social outing, one piece of writing, one new New York experience and one new friendship.

Recipes: Fat Free Canoli's, Chinese Broccoli, Home-made Pasta, Grilled Cheese and Pear, Pulled-Pork, Bun Bowl, Quiche, Risotto

These may not seem very impressive, most of them were fairly simple to make, but they all were an adventure. Challenging myself to create something new, not for someone else, but for the sheer pleasure of it added adventure to my life. Searching the neighborhoods of Manhattan for just the right ingredients, looking for inspiration at every turn, enjoying the successes and the unbelievable disasters, this is a simple excitement born out of my passion added color to my weeks.

Workouts: Spinning 2x per week, Pilates 1x per week, Hiking weekends, various 2x per week

It seems so vain and trivial, but pushing myself to try spinning has made me feel so strong and beautiful! Those pesky pounds have melted away, and I still eat without guilt but with balance. I feel amazing.

Dinner Parties/ Social: Drinks with Kaitlin and Gussie, 3 EWI cooking events, 1 EWI restaurant event, Visiting Jo and meeting her girlfriends, Marisa's wedding and party, dinner with Jill

I have been out with friends at least once a week, the best part being that each was fun, exactly what I wanted. I did not go out clubbing or partying, but sharing laughter and food and conversation. It has become a natural part of my life. I make an effort to see people and clearly that was all I needed to do. Learning to stop waiting for things to happen and making them happen has transformed my life. I am not lonely. I have friends all over the country and that's ok! I can find ways to see them and stay connected, and though not as close, my friends in New York add comfort and richness to my everyday life. Starting Eating with Impunity has empowered me to bring people together in an entirely different way. To introduce a group of 20 strangers and have them become friends is something I never thought I was capable of.

Writing: The Blog

Twenty-some odd posts later and the inane details of my life have become a story. Some funny, some profound, some simple. I am becoming a true writer and the author of my own life.

New York: Hell's Kitchen Flea Market, Chinatown, West Village specialty markets, Rowing on the Hudson, Brooklyn Book Festival, Brooklyn Tabernacle Baptist, Murray Hill Specialty Market, Dinner in Queens

Exploring my city has made it all the more enchanting. I don't need to be rich to experience the unique flavors of the many neighborhoods, and I don't have to be at the hottest clubs or newest plays for it to be totally New York! This city is different for everyone and I have found My New York. The New York of vintage hunting, unique cuisines and disastrous outdoor sports! I don't have to be anyone but myself and I don't have to force myself to try.

Social Connections: EWI group, new NYU members, Jo's girls, M.'s girls, re-connection with old friends

I have not made any new best friends, but I have met some amazing people. I am connecting with fellow foodies, reconnecting with old friends and seeing how rich life can be when you accept people for who they are. I enjoyed the crazy night with the suburban housewives in Denver, I loved the Army wives of Tennessee, I feel an instant connection to the girls I met at NYU and my EWI group is becoming like a little family. Each person in my life is different, but they are all characters, some funny, some sad all part of a great story.

What to do with myself: ??? : )

I am starting a new job, not career, job. The VA is going to allow me the opportunity to help people and the time to help myself! My applications have been sent to NYU's Food Studies and to half of the law schools. I am thinking that I will start at NYU in the spring (if I get in!) and when I hear back from the law schools, decide whether to continue with food studies or go for a law degree. For a short time I will be able to have it all! I am taking my FSO exam next week as well. I have so many choices ahead of me and I don't think a single one is wrong. I am going to follow my heart in making my decisions and continue to construct the elements I need in my life. I don't need a career to give me everything, it is only one piece of the grand life I am creating.

For the first time I feel peaceful, happy and at home. I thought at first that it was New York, a place to call home. As I sent my applications off to UCLA and USC and heard D.'s mother talk about production opportunities out west, I felt nothing but a quiet excitement. No panic, no regret. I love New York and I always will, but the home I have found is not geographical, it is something inside of me. I feel for the first time in my life that no matter where my adventures take me, the friendship and excitement and comfort of home will follow, everything will be ok. Perhaps I have been home all along, needing only to find myself to realize it.

D.'s plane is landing at JFK any minute now, what will happen now? My prayer is that even together I can stay close to home, not get lost in his dreams. My prayer is that our dreams will compliment each others, simply adding flavor. My prayer is that my adventure can be our adventure, that our friendship and love is big enough for the big ideas we both have. What will it look like though? I suppose that will be the next great experiment of my life. I have taken hold of my own life and created something beautiful, now it is time to try and double it. The adventures of D and Fi...hmm, has a nice ring to it.....

Everything I Ever Wanted

I am happy. Tipsy, albeit, but happy! I have good friends from the past and a growing group of new ones. I have a good job to look forward to, school opportunities are working out like little miracles and I am totally at peace with the future possibilities. There are no guarantees, nothing set in stone, but it all feels like it is coming together. Like everything is going to be ok. Better than ok, incredible.

Hypocrisy Disclaimer

After writing today, and going to church earlier, I decided that I should write a hypocrisy disclaimer in case anyone actually reads this. Now, in this blog, or any of my writing really, I talk about life. I talk about food and sex and God, and all with a very dirty mouth! Some might find this strange or hypocritical, but really I find writers who pretend to be choir girls when telling the stories of life to be either naive or fake.

I just finished reading Bon Appetit by Sandra Byrd. She is lucky she tells a good story, because her main character Lexi made me want to barf. (Barf being a prophetic literary term, of course!) It was as though she had to paint the world in primary colors and make everything G rated simply because she spoke about God in the novel. I found Lexi to be either fake or naive, as I already stated. God is not tucked away in the Disney Land section of my life (as if I would actual have one!). He was there when I smoked pot, here when I am being a bitchy tart and will be right by my side the next time I do something unsavory. All that is to say, I am a real person, I write about real life and real life is not divided into chapels and strip clubs. It is all me, and perhaps my stories can show that spirituality and reality are not mutually exclusive.

God's Sous Chef

I traveled to Brooklyn this morning to check-out the Brooklyn Tabernacle. I have been craving the soulful gospel music and passion I found in the Southern Baptist churches of the south, and the closest I could come-up with here were in Harlem and Brooklyn. Brooklyn is actually closer. As I entered the mega-theatre of the sanctuary I knew that this was not the small, soulful parish I remembered, but the electricity was there.

It was different, not the warm embrace of culture I had become accustom to, but this is not the south, this is New York. I was inspired by the message and I realized one benefit of the mega-church was their ability to have a far-reaching impact, funded by the several thousand members. As the minister spoke about his experiences feeding the children in Haiti and Guam , I had an idea. Perhaps the meaningful aspect of my life can come through an extracurricular spice. I don't have to join the peace corps to touch people's lives. If I want to go and meet and help people, perhaps this megalith of a church would be my way.

The reverend also spoke about Jesus's disciple Peter. Peter was passionate and brash and a hot mess much of the time, but he was also a great leader. I don't have to be perfect to be great. It seems that my passion may be enough. Just being who I am may be enough.

I also had a revelation: It does not matter what I do, I am still going to be me. Everything changes, everything can be taken away, but I am still going to be me. The job I choose has no bearing on who I am going to be in my life, there is no right or wrong choice. I heard Him whisper in my ear: pick whatever you like, your life will be beautiful no matter what.

My choices and experiences lie before me, like the beautiful fish at Lobster Place and the shining produce at Gourmet Garage and the fresh baguettes at the bakery. As I pick-out my groceries I am beginning to see a recipe come together.

I feel God walking with his arm around me, picking-up things to show me like we are old lovers or friends. I tried to ask him for a list, but he seems to be shaking his head and laughing. It is for me to choose. He runs the kitchen and can make something amazing with anything I bring home, but He did not make me line cook, merely taking orders, I am his Sous Chef. I am the artist of my own life and He refuses to take that away.

Do what you like. I am still not clear as to what that is exactly, but I am beginning to see that a life as full as the one I dream of does not have a simple formula. I simply need to continue adding elements, directed by my passion and my heart, and when the right combination comes together I will have a life that I can savor, a life that will leave me full and satisfied.

Savor

Tonight I decided make green pea soup with baguette for dinner. I had been housebound all day, tired and studying for the Foreign Service Officer's exam (yes, yet another scheme for the future).

I set-out to the store, knowing the bodega down stairs would not have leeks, I started walking toward the supermarket. On my way I remembered a little gourmet shop with a beautiful produce display out front. Surprisingly, I had never taken the time to go in. I approached the shop and found the leeks right away, the green peas were no where to be found. I sighed and thought about going to the supermarket. "Forget that, stop being so American!" I thought. It is not all about the one-stop shopping.

I found all the lovely produce I needed for my soup, some tomatoes for tomorrow's bruchetta and the most sweetly scented basil I have ever inhaled. The bread was unimpressive, so I decided to stop at the bakery on the way home, perhaps the bodega would have my peas. I found everything I needed and it was such a pleasure buying the best from each who specialized in it. Produce from the gourmand, bread from the baker and soda from the corner store!

I returned home and began preparing my soup. I recalled the one weak point in the dish being the difficulty in adding enough spice to it. I always feel as though I am adding an inordinate amount of salt and pepper. I decided to step it up. I added black sea salt with herbs de Provence, then I seeded a Thai pepper to slip in toward the end of cooking. I also decided that rather than baguette, I would make my Parmesan garlic toast for tomorrow and use them as croutons for the soup. The result was a symphony of flavors. They were simple and harmonious and bold. Perhaps that is what my life is shaping up to be.

Perhaps I am not going to find a "one-stop shop" life, a career that fulfills all my passions in one shot. Perhaps I am silly for thinking all the life inside of me can be taken care of with a job. I am not saying that I am going to keep working as an office assistant, no, but I should realize that the answer to crafting the perfect life does not lie in a career alone. When looking at my potential paths I suppose I must ask myself if they are to be foundations, like the potatoes, merely facilitating my life (lawyering), like the Thai chili- adding the intensity of flavor, but not the substance (Food Studies), the peas-steering the dish (Foreign Service Officer) or some combination of the three- coming together with all the other pleasures of friends and adventures to create something amazing.

I don't know what tomorrow brings anymore than I knew I was going to have a craving for green pea soup, but I do think that the clarity and inspiration that will guide my future will be as easy as adding flavor to a dish I know so well. I just need to stop trying to rush back to my empty apartment and savor the adventure of choosing my ingredients. That is what the experiment is about, forcing myself to build the life I want and stop living the bland life I kept microwaving for myself.

The end of week 7 is approaching, and my final week of solitary self exploration is here. D comes home one week from today. I am excited to see him and anxious to see how the experiment of my life is affected by his presence. I don't think I will slip back into my hermit ways when I am again coming home to him. I was less social this week than in weeks past, but I have still come along way compared to seven weeks ago. I think it is time to reevaluate anyways, time to step it up. Perhaps his return will not be the end of the experiment, but the beginning of a new one.