Nightmares and Escapes

I had another nightmare last night. Not the kind that leaves you terrified, just the kind that make you feel bad.

Again, I was desperately trying to escape. The people in my life were either passively trying to help or indifferent. They did not feel the same sense of urgency that I did, they did not seem to understand and I was unsure who to trust.

I ran into an old man who I served in the army with. I did not recognize him at first, but beneath the lines on his face I saw the familiarity. He seemed so happy to see me, and for some reason, I felt safe and happy seeing him too. He and a woman were trying to sell a stolen helicopter, they obviously had left the military. They woman was not a soldier, perhaps an army wife. She kept trying to apologize to me. I told her, “No, you helped me escape; you helped me escape from that army prison. Don’t apologize to me”. I suppose no one else understood like they did. They made me feel better, but I was still on the lamb. I was still running.

I awoke and was greatly relieved that it was Saturday and I would have sufficient time to recover from this dream. The only problem was, it was actually Thursday. I rushed out of the house to the office.

I was deeply unhappy that day. Though with the closing bell rung, I felt a pep returning to my step. I was just so tired. There is no relief in sight as my job ramps up. I take comfort in the hours I spend away from that place. In those hours I am free. It was with that thought in the back of my mind that I set out to treat that blasted Thursday like it was in fact a weekend day. I had drinks with Em in the East Village, wine with Gus in Tribecca, then a whirlwind evening of bar hopping throughout the city with a rowdy group of EWI members and out of town visitors. I ran through my evening, push push pushing until the morning light let me know that it was time to again relinquish my freedom and go back into the coffin of my work life.

Needless to say, I went too far this time. I was not able to rally and make it through my workday. I can function on very little sleep, but not no sleep. Thankfully, I am really good at what I do, and my track record allows me to take my sick leave when need be.

I hope I find the answers soon. I would like to know what it is I am running from. I am much more prone to fight than flight, so it is with tense curiosity that I look for the headless horseman on my heels.