Help is Not on the Way

The rain clouds rolled in today, with it came dark thoughts and musings...

Help is Not on the Way

Help is not coming. That is the lesson I have learned well over the years. Watch the horizon until you go blind, but it won't change the fact that you must dry your own tears and save yourself. You will not die, life has cruelly wired us for self preservation, it is not so merciful as to let you simply cease to exist.

As a woman i have learned too that men are cowards. This may be why no one is coming. At their core, they understand only self preservation, compassion is left to us. No, he will run away when it hurts too much, or often when the faintest whiff of pain reaches his nostrils.

I suppose it is biological, we are wired to endure, the fate of our species depends on it, it requires only fleeting passion from them.

I suppose it is simply a cruel myth of culture, the idea of a hero, a knight in shining armor. Though it takes many years of watching to learn, eventually we see the truth.

Help is not on the way, but we will survive. You will stop crying out,except in fitful sleep, that is the only place this frivolous hope cannot be banished from.

Running Blind

Dr. Katz told me there was a reason behind my recent sprints through the night. She made me feel so utterly normal.

Sitting in her office, telling her about my late nights and benders, I asked her what it was I was running from. Obviously she did not have an answer for me, they never do, but I still like to treat her like an oracle, hoping one day she will offer me a real pearl.

Then I asked, "Why doesn't anyone ever tell me what to do? Where were the protesters when I dropped out? Where are the naggers telling me I've had enough to drink? My facade of single mindedness must make them all shrug and collectively say, Felicia knows best. Sometimes I wish someone would try to tell me what to do, even though I probably wouldn't listen anyways."

Looking at me thoughtfully from across her desk she said, "Part of me wants to tell you to stop it, but another part of me thinks that you are just working things out for yourself. This could be an opportunity." She asked me that makes me angry, I said no. I told her it is exactly what I would expect her to say, but the bit about it being an opportunity, about me being okay, that actually made me feel better.

We spoke a bit longer and I left feeling like maybe I was simply crashing so that I could find out what was down there, crashing so that I could pick myself back up and start anew.

I also came to the shameful realization that sometimes I still do wish someone would save me. I am old enough to know that there is no one coming, there never has been. You have to save yourself, and sometimes the quickest way up is down.

Catch Me, I'm Falling

Been partying like a rockstar, makes me wonder who the hell I think I am...

Why doesnt anyone ever tell me what to do? Everyone knows that "Felicia knows best", sometimes I wish someone would realize that I don't, I wish someone would reach out to save the hero.

Funny thing is, I probably wouldn't let them even if they tried.