Winter's Last Throws

I have been bracing lately, waiting for the punch of reality to come down on me. As with most things, I believe that waiting for this particular ax to fall is the worst part of the experience. See, I know D and I ended it, I know it cognitively, but my heart has never really learned the art of letting go. Due to this fact, I knew that in the end it would still be him who would walk away.

In 2010 technology has taken the place of telepathy. We no longer have to wonder what other people are thinking, all we need is an internet connection and the online stalking tools of facebook and blogger. I was in the mood for a little self-mutilation, so I logged-on and looked at his facebook page. There it was. Flashing across the screen; "updated status-It's complicated to Single". Ok. I knew it was coming, but seeing it, knowing everyone else was seeing his departure too, that really drove the punch home.

It's going to hurt like a bitch when he comes home, packs his bags, and physically walks away. Once again, I cognitively knew it, but now I feel it too. Damn.

I suppose this is all just part of the process. I know that things are going to happen just as they are meant to. If we are meant to be together, nothing will keep us apart. If we aren't, well then, I suppose that will be okay too, I just haven't really been able to face that one yet.

I think I am going through the grieving process, entering into the anger phase. On of my EWI members sent a request to the group for input on which restaurant he should take a date to. The thought and effort he put into the planning and reservation pushed some serious buttons for me. I began to think about the fact that no one has ever made a reservation for me. This boy's actions flew in the face of all the male excuses I have heard before as to why date planning and reservations were always left up to me. It left me feeling cheated. It then left me wondering if it was my fault. Maybe there is something about me that makes putting in too much effort seem unnecessary.

Well, my anger is waining. I sent D. a curt message about his "new status". It was childish and unfair. He did not do anything wrong. He is going through exactly what I am in his own way. I suppose he is just doing what men do, he is turning the page. As I mentioned, this is not my strong suit. I guess I just never really was able to wrap my head around the love thing. Not the beginning or the middle, but the end. In my mind I suppose love does not have an end, and this is not so much the end as the evolution. Still, I guess I have not learned how to make my mind and heart come together on this point.

What I do know, in my heart and mind, is that this is going to hurt like hell. I have not changed my relationship status, I don't think I can right now. Though we are not together, though I suppose I am single, my heart is far from open, my heart is far from available. I still act as though he is waiting just around the next bend, I still hear his voice in my ear, I even still write as though he is reading every word.

I have emotional anesthetic pumping through my veins at the moment, but I am not foolish enough to think that it will be any match for some of the things yet to come. There is hurt on the horizon, but just over the peaks I know there is something else coming. There is a peace, a calm, a glorious moment when I will be neither hurting nor numb. I can't see that ray of light yet, but I know, I just know it is coming.

I wonder what that will feel like. I imagine it will feel like the first real day of spring. That day when you walk out of your door and don't have to flinch at the sting of a cold air, the day that you walk languidly down the street feeling everything fully, a gentle breeze that soothes rather than torments. That day you feel so lucky to bask in perfect climate,free of the anxiety that comes from waiting for the next chill to strike though your bones. Yes, I imagine that is what it will feel like.